Why Hogwarts Never Does Muisicals
by Bubblewrap-Queen
Summary: What happens when I force er give HP characters the opportunity to perform Les Miserables the musical! Full lyrics included, so you don't need to know the play. Some RonXHermione and CedricXCho. Rated for language, death, etc. in Les Mis.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer- I do not own Les Mis, Harry Potter, Les Mis the musical, or anything else mentioned in here. Except myself. And… nope, that's it. Oh! And my cousin owns herself.**_

_**Time-line—Somewhere before Halloween during Goblet of Fire**_

**Act One- In which Hermione dies before Ron goes on stage, Collin gets special treatment, and Fudge has a vacation house in Hawaii.**

_A small, dark room. From inside the room come the sound of many voices—curses, insults, snogging…_

Bubblewrap- 'Mkay, who's doing the snogging?

_Silence._

Bubblewrap- I know someone is doing it…

_The lights in the room go on, revealing a couple dozen people squished up against the walls, obviously completely packed into the very small room. _

Bubblewrap- I knew it!

Ron- What?

Bubblewrap- It was you two!

Hermione- Well, what do you expect when you put a bunch of teens into a tiny, poorly-lit—

Ron- _un_lit

Hermione- unlit room?

Bubblewrap- Well, this makes the casting easier…

Harry- _Coming out of nowhere_ Wait, casting?

Bubblewrap- For the play!

Harry- What play?

Bubblewrap- The play I'm going to make you perform before you're allowed to leave!

Harry- _Weakly_ Oh… that play…

Bubblewrap- Right, so, the play we're doing is actually a musical—

Ron- So we have to sing, too?

Bubblewrap- Yep, that's usually what a musical is… a play with singing…

Ron- Figures…

Bubblewrap- And this musical is Les Misérables… hey, does anyone know if you still have to underline that if it's a play and not a book? No? Okay. Well, then, casting…

Ron- Why do I get the idea that I'm not going to like this casting?

Bubblewrap- Because you're not. Now, let's see… I don't like snogging, so… Ron, you can play Thénardier, and Hermione, you can play… Fantine!

Ron- _Examining a script he stole while Bubblewrap wasn't looking_ But Hermione dies before I even get on stage.

Bubblewrap- Exactly. And give that back _Snatches script out of his hands_ Now, let's see…Jean Valjean can be… Harry… because I feel like it… and sadly, none of you are cool enough to play Javert…

Pretty much every male member of the cast- Hey!

Bubblewrap- But I suppose somebody has to… how about Neville?

Neville- M-me?

Bubblewrap- Yea. You're pretty cool, and you need the confidence boost. You don't mind jumping in a river, do you?

Neville- Kind of.

Bubblewrap- Well, it's not a real river anyway. We're very low budget.

Harry- Can we get out of this room now? It's getting really crowded.

Bubblewrap- Okay. After I tell you what your part is, you can leave. _Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville exit and find themselves in a conveniently located stage._

Malfoy- _Examining a script he took while Bubblewrap wasn't looking _Shouldn't I play Javert since I'm Potter's arch enemy and everything?

Bubblewrap- Well, first of all, Harry's arch enemy is Voldemort, and second of all, did you miss the part about you not being cool enough to play Javert? Especially you, you're just a whiny little brat who is therefore perfect for the role of Marius! Third of all _snatches script back_ give that back! Why does everyone keep stealing my script?! You'll get your own in, like, two minutes!

Malfoy- Who's Marius?

Bubblewrap- _Distracted _Hey, there's even some alliteration!

Malfoy- _Leaves while muttering under his breath about evil casting directors._

Bubblewrap- The bishop can be Cedric… Bamatobis can be Collin Creevy—

Collin- Wait, what? Are you trying to imply something?

Bubblewrap- No. Just that you should feel honored to be in my favorite song, which has, like the best music after Javert's intervention.

Collin- Yea, sure, but I don't want to buy Hermione!

Hermione- _From the stage_ What?!

Bubblewrap- Wait, Collin, you've… seen this play before?

Collin- Yea.

Bubblewrap- Awesome! Okay, you get to pick your part!

Everyone else- Why does he get to pick his part?! _Or words to that effect._

Collin- Do I still have to play Bamatobis?

Bubblewrap- Yea. I don't feel like finding someone else to play that part.

Collin- _Slightly dejected_ Well, okay… how about Grantaire?

Bubblewrap- _Slightly doubtful about Collin's capability to play a drunken college student_ Sure… Okay, continuing on! Young Cosette… are there any really short girls in here? Or first year girls? No? Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Madame Thénardier can be Ginny—

Ginny- No way.

Bubblewrap- _To no one in particular_ Why does no one like my casting?

Ginny- I'm not being married to my brother!

Bubblewrap- _Testily_ Well, it's Madame Thénardier or no one, your choice!

Ginny- _Torn between not getting to be on stage and having to be married to her brother_ And those are my only two options?

Bubblewrap- Yep.

Ginny- Fine, I'll do it. _Sulks out of the room._

Bubblewrap-Now that little problem is taken care of, we can cast… Dennis Creevy as Gavroche, Cho Chang as Eponine… Luna as Cosette… The rest of you guys just divide up your roles however you want. _A whole lot of random Hogwarts students who will not be named hereafter except as 'Ensemble' 'Sailor 1' etc. look very disappointed._

Malfoy- Can we just get started now?

Bubblewrap- Not so fast! I have an announcement to make first, while Ron hands out your scripts._ Hands several thick scripts to Ron._

Ron- Ow… how long is this play anyway?!

Bubblewrap- Three hours.

Ron- Three...?

Bubblewrap- Anyway, my announcement is that I talked to your Headmaster, and he says that he is very supportive of the creative arts, and that if you perform this in front of the school, you get out of whatever classes and homework you're supposed to be going to during rehearsals, plus you get extra credit for whatever class you're doing worst in.

Harry- So he actually liked the idea of kidnapping us and forcing us to do this?

Bubblewrap- Well, he doesn't actually know you didn't want to do it…but you want to do it now, right?

Harry- Well…

Bubblewrap- Did I mention that after you perform in front of the entire school, the other students will vote on the best performer, and they get 1000 galleons?

Malfoy- Where did you get 1000 galleons?

Bubblewrap- I told Fudge that if he didn't cough up the money he had to play Marius.

Hermione- And he believed you?

Bubblewrap- Yep. He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?

Malfoy- Not really.

Bubblewrap- So, anyway, he took the 1000 galleons from the tax fund that usually goes towards his vacation house in Hawaii.

Ron- Our tax dollars pay for a vacation house in Hawaii?!

Bubblewrap- Well, actually they're paying whoever has the best performance… but anyway, that wasn't even the worst thing I found when I was looking through the ministry's budget plans…

Malfoy- Why were you looking at those?

Bubblewrap- To see who I should blackmail for the 1000 galleons, of course! Anyway, did you know that the senior undersecretary, Dolores Umbridge, has a collection of taxidermy cats?

Ron- _Getting back on topic_ So you're saying that whoever does this best gets 1000 galleons?

Bubblewrap- Yep. _Now_ who wants to do this play?

Everyone- ME!

**_Please note that this entire story was going to be one really long chapter, but FF wouldn't let me upload it. I have all the chapters written, never fear, so they will be up quickly. Also, editing will take place after the whole story is here._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Act Two- In which songs are begun, Time travel is banned, and Malfoy is asked to kidnap someone.**

Bubblewrap- So, let's get started. The first song is Work song.

_1815, Toulon. The chain gang, overseen by brutal workers, work in the sun._

Prisoners-  
**Look down, look down  
Don't look 'em in the eye  
Look down, look down,  
You're here until you die**

Convict 1-  
**The sun is strong  
It's hot as hell below**

Prisoners-  
**Look down, look down,  
There's twenty years to go**

Convict 2-  
**I've done no wrong!  
Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!**

Prisoners-  
**Look down look down,  
Sweet Jesus doesn't care**

Convict 3-  
**I know she'll wait,  
I know that she'll be true!**

Prisoners-  
**Look down, look down,  
They've all forgotten you**

Convict 4-  
**When I get free ya won't see me  
Here for dust!**

Prisoners-  
**Look down, look down  
Don't look 'em in the eye**

Convict 5-  
**How long, oh Lord  
Before you let me die?**

Prisoners-  
**Look down, look down,  
You'll always be a slave  
Look down, look down,  
You're standing in your grave**

Neville (as Javert)-  
**Now bring me Prisoner 24601  
****Your time is up  
****And you're parole's begun.  
****You know what this means.**

Harry (as Jean Valjean)-  
**Yes, it means I'm free. **You know, I don't think I like being on the offending side of the law.

Bubblewrap- Just be patient, you get redeemed.

Harry- _suspicious_ I do?

Bubblewrap- Yes.

Harry- Okay, then.

Neville (as Javert)-  
**No! It means you get  
****Your yellow ticket of leave.  
****You are a thief!**

Harry (as Valjean)-  
**I stole a loaf of bread! **If he stole something, doesn't that make him a thief?

Bubblewrap-Yes, but the guys who wrote the musical were probably just trying to explain why he was arrested. Or something.

Neville (as Javert)-  
**You robbed a house!**

Harry (as Valjean)-  
**I broke a window pane!  
****My sister's child was close to death  
****And we were starving.**

Neville (as Javert)-  
**You will starve again  
****Unless you learn the meaning of the law.**

Harry (as Valjean)-  
**I know the meaning of those 19 years  
****A slave of the law. **What does it mean?

Bubblewrap- Nothing, it just sounds cool. You talk a lot, don't you?

Harry- My psychiatrist says it's because I had a lonely childhood.

Bubblewrap- You have a pshychiatrist?

Harry- Yep! Ron!

Bubblewrap- Should've known.

Neville (as Javert)-  
**Five years for what you did!  
****The rest because you tried to run,  
****Yes 24601!**

Harry (as Valjean)-  
**My name is Jean Valjean! **No, actually, it's Harry Potter.

Bubblewrap- Shut up!

Neville (as Javert)-  
**And I'm Javert.  
****Do not forget my name,  
****Do not forget me…  
****24601.**

Bubblewrap- See? Neville doesn't feel the need to make stupid comments about every line.

Chourus-  
**Look down, Look down,  
****You'll always be a slave!  
****Look down, Look down,  
****You're standing in your grave!**

Harry (as Valjean)-  
**Freedom is mind. The earth is still.  
****I feel the wind. I breath again,  
****And the sky clears. **This guy is lame. Can I have a new part?

Bubblewrap- What? No!

Harry- Fine! But he's still corny.

Bubblewrap- Give it a chance.

Harry (as Valjean)-  
**The world is waking.  
****Drink from the poool. How clean the taste.  
****Never forget the years, the waste.  
****Nor forgive them  
****For what they've done.  
****They are the guilty- everyone!  
****The day begins…  
****And now let's see.  
****What this new world  
****Will do for me!**

_He finds work on a farm._

Farmer-

**You'll have to go!  
****I'll pay you off for the day!  
****Collect your bits and pieces there  
****And be on your way!**

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**You've given me half  
****What the other men get  
****This handful of tin  
****Wouldn't buy me sweat!**

Labourer-  
**You broke the law!  
****It's there for people to see!  
****Why should you get the same  
****As honest men like me?**

Harry- Give the guy a break! He just got out of prison!

Bubblewrap- Still lame and corny?

Harry (as Valjean)-  
**Now every door is closed to me  
****Another jail another key another chain.  
****For when I come to any town  
****They check my papers  
****And they find the mark of Cain.  
****In their eyes  
****I see their fear  
**'**We do not want you here!'**

_He comes to an inn_

Innkeeper's wife-  
**My rooms are full  
****And I've no supper to spare.  
****I'd like to help a stranger,  
****All we want is to be fair.**

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**I will pay in advance,  
****I will sleep in a barn!  
****You see how dark it is,  
****I'm not some kind of dog!**

Malfoy- Actually, I've always said you were a son of a-

Harry- Shut up you… you… Slytherin_._

Malfoy- Oh, I am so insulted.

Bubblewrap- Continuting on… Innkeeper!

Innkeeper-  
**You leave my house!  
****Or feel the weight of my rod!  
****We're law abiding people here  
****Thanks be to God.**

_They throw him out of the inn_

Harry- Ow! It's painful to be thrown out of an inn!

Bubblewrap-Yea, yea…

Innkeeper- _Chuckling maniacaly. _Can I do that again?

Harry- No!

Bubblewrap- Sure, why not?

_They throw him out of the inn_

Bubblewrap- Continue!

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**And now I know how freedom feels  
****The jailer always at your heels **Oh no. Neville is chasing me. How scary.  
**It is the law! This piece of paper in my hand  
****That makes me cursed throughout the land  
****It is the law!  
****Like a cur  
****I walk the street,  
****The dirt beneath their feet…**

Innkeeper- _Quietly_. Now I feel kind of bad about throwing him out…

Harry- You should!

_Disconsolate, he sits down outside the bishop of Digne's house. The bishop comes out._

Cedric (As Bishop)-  
**Come in, Sir, for you are weary,  
****And the night is cold out there,  
****Though our lives are very humble  
****What we have, we have to share.** 'Cause we Hufflepuffs are nice!  
**There is wine here to revive you.  
****There is bread to make you strong.  
****There's a bed to rest 'til morning.  
****Rest from pain and rest from wrong.**

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**He let me eat my fill.  
****I had the lion's share. **'Cause I'm a GRYFFINDOR!

Ron- Woo!

**The silver in my hand  
****Cost twice what I had earned  
****In all those nineteen years-  
****A lifetime of despair  
****And yet he trusted me-  
****The old fool trusted me-  
****He'd done his bit of good.  
****I played the grateful serf  
****And thanked him like I should.  
****But when the house was still,  
****I got up in the night,  
****Took the silver,  
****Took my flight!**

Luna- Ooh, Harry, you can fly?

Harry- Sure, why not?

_Taking the silver cup, he runs off…_

Malfoy- So very criminal, Potter.

Harry- Shut up, Malfoy.

Bubblewrap- Both of you shut up! You need to learn how to get along! _To herself_ And quickly, or 'Bring him home' is going to be a disaster…

…_But is brought back by two constables_

Constable 1-  
**Tell his reverence your story**

Constable 2-  
**Let us see if he's impressed**

Constable 1-  
**You were lodging here last night**

Constable 2-  
**You were the honest Bishop's guest.**

Constable 1-  
**And then, out of Christian goodness**

Constable 2-  
**When he learned about your plight**

Constable 1-  
**You maintain he made a present of this silver.**

Cedric (As Bishop)-

**That is right.  
****But my friend, you left so early  
****Surely something slipped your mind.**

_The bishop gives Valjean two silver candlesticks_

**You forgot I gave these also  
****Would you leave the best behind?  
****So, Messieurs, you may release him  
For this man has spoken true  
I commend you for your duty  
And God's blessing go with you.**

_Constables leave, bishop addresses Valjean._

**But remember this, my brother  
****See in this some higher plan.  
****You must use this precious silver  
****To become an honest man.  
****By the witness of the martyrs  
****By the Passion and the Blood  
****God has raised you out of darkness  
****I have bought your soul for God!**

_Valjean is left alone._

Bubblewrap- 'Mkay, now for Harry's solo.

Harry- _Nervous_ I get a solo?

Bubblewrap- The first of many—well, okay, the first of three, but that's more than anyone else has! I think…

Malfoy- That's not indecisive at all.

Bubblewrap- Yes it is. Anyway, on with the solo!

Harry (As Valjean)-

**What have I done?  
Sweet Jesus, what have I done?  
Become a thief in the night,  
****Become a dog on the run  
And have I fallen so far,  
And is the hour so late **It's only noon…**  
That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,  
The cries in the dark that nobody hears,**

Malfoy- If _only_ nobody could hear…

Harry- Are you insulting my singing?

Malfoy- All I'm saying is… I didn't do the casting. And, you're certainly no Colm Wilikinson.

**Here where I stand at the turning of the years?  
If there's another way to go  
I missed it twenty long years ago **nineteen, actually…**  
My life was a war that could never be won **I know, with Voldemort trying to kill me and everything…**  
They gave me a number and murdered Valjean  
When they chained me and left me for dead  
Just for stealing a mouthful of bread  
Yet why did I allow that man  
To touch my soul and teach me love? **Because love is the power the dark lord knows not!

Bubblewrap- Harry, how did you know about the prophecy..?

Harry- You brought a copy of Order of the Pheonix with you in your crazy time travelling and I got bored and read a bit.

Bubblewrap- I didn't bring that, I don't even like that book. The third one's much better.

Harry- _Confused_ Then whose is it?

Malfoy- _Whistles innocently_

Bubblewrap- Malfoy…

Malfoy- So my dad got me a time turner for my birthday! Sue me!

Bubblewrap- _sighs_ I promised Dumbledore I'd try to keep the time-line intact!

Malfoy- Not my problem.

Bubblewrap- _mutters angrily_

**He treated me like any other  
He gave me his trust  
He called me brother  
My life he claims for God above  
Can such things be?  
For I had come to hate the world  
This world that always hated me  
Take an eye for an eye! **Everyone says my eyes look like my mom's**  
Turn your heart into stone!  
This is all I have lived for!  
This is all I have known!  
One word from him and I'd be back **It would probably take three-- 'he did it' or something.**  
Beneath the lash, upon the rack  
Instead he offers me my freedom  
I feel my shame inside me like a knife **That's a simile!**  
He told me that I have a soul, **Voldeomort doesn't, he has horcruxes!

Bubblewrap- Malfoy…

Malfoy- What?

Bubblewrap- Where'd he get a copy of Half Blood Prince?

Malfoy- I don't know!

Bubblewrap- Come on, like you really expect me to believe that!

Harry- No, actually, I stole Hermione's time turner at the end of last year, and I got bored and went into the future…

Bubblewrap- And found a copy of Half Blood Prince?

Harry- Yea…

Bubblewrap- Anyone else do any time travel? _Most people raise their hands_ Really? Fine, put all your time turners and items from the future in a pile over there. _No one moves_ Hurry up! _A large pile of stuff is quickly formed._

Hermione- Ew! Who brought underwear back from the future?

Bubblewrap- Let's not even think about that, okay Hermione? Keep going, Harry.

**How does he know?  
What spirit comes to move my life?  
Is there another way to go? **North, South, East, West…**  
I am reaching, but I fall **Ow…**  
And the night is closing in  
And I stare into the void  
To the whirlpool of my sin  
I'll escape now from the world  
From the world of Jean Valjean  
Jean Valjean is nothing now  
Another story must begin! **How about Harry Potter's story?**  
**  
_He tears up his yellow ticket-of-leave_

Bubblewrap- Okay, we can take a break now.

Malfoy- Oh, good. I'm sick of hearing Potter talk!

Bubblewrap- Really, now? You want to leave for a while and do some… extreme casting?

Malfoy- 'Extreme' casting?

Bubblewrap- Kidnapping.

Malfoy- Yes!

Bubblewrap- Okay, here's what you need to do…


	3. Chapter 3

**Act Three- In Which Only Two Songs are Performed, Everybody Takes Five, and Things Explode.**

Bubblewrap- Moving on, time for 'At the end of the day'!

_1823, Montreuil-Sur-Mer. Outside the factory owned by the Mayor, Monsiuer Madelaine (Jean Valjean in disguise)._

The poor-  
**At the end of the day you're another day older  
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor  
It's a struggle, it's a war  
And there's nothing that anyone's giving  
One more day standing about, what is it for?  
One day less to be living.  
At the end of the day you're another day colder  
And the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill  
And the righteous hurry past  
They don't hear the little ones crying  
And the winter is coming on fast, ready to kill  
One day nearer to dying!  
At the end of the day there's another day dawning  
And the sun in the morning is waiting to rise  
Like the waves crash on the sand  
Like a storm that'll break any second  
There's a hunger in the land  
There's a reckoning still to be reckoned and  
There's gonna be hell to pay  
At the end of the day!  
**  
_The foreman and workers, including Fantine, emerge from the factory_

Foreman-  
**At the end of the day you get nothing for nothing  
Sitting flat on your butt doesn't buy any bread**

Worker 1-  
**There are children back at home**

Workers 1 and 2-  
**And the children have got to be fed**

Worker 2-  
**And you're lucky to be in a job**

Woman-  
**And in a bed!**

Workers-  
**And we're counting our blessings!  
**  
Woman 2-  
**Have you seen how the foreman is fuming today?  
With his terrible breath and his wandering hands?**

Woman 3-  
**It's because little Fantine won't give him his way**

Woman 1-  
**Take a look at his trousers, you'll see where he stands!**

Woman 4-  
**And the boss, he never knows  
That the foreman is always in heat**

Woman 3-  
**If Fantine doesn't look out  
Watch how she goes  
She'll be out on the street!**

Workers-  
**At the end of the day it's another day over  
With enough in your pocket to last for a week  
Pay the landlord, pay the shop  
Keep on grafting as long as you're able  
Keep on grafting till you drop  
Or it's back to the crumbs off the table  
You've got to pay your way  
At the end of the day!**

Girl- _Grabbing a letter from Fantine_  
**And what have we here, little innocent sister?  
Come on Fantine, let's have all the news!**

_Reading the letter_

**Ooh..."Dear Fantine you must send us more money...  
Your child needs a doctor...  
There's no time to lose..."**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**Give that letter to me **It's really rude to read other people's mail!**  
It is none of your business **Well, actually it's a prop that has no writing on it**.  
****With a husband at home  
****And a bit on the side! **Wow, that's rude…**  
Is there anyone here  
Who can swear before God  
She has nothing to fear?  
She has nothing to hide?**

_They fight over the letter. Harry (As Valjean (M. Madeleine)) rushes on to break up the squabble._

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**Will someone tear these two apart  
What is this fighting all about? **Is my character deaf as well as criminal? They were yelling…

Bubblewrap- Just go along with it.

Harry- What's so great about some sweater anyway.

Bubblewrap- LETTER. LET-ter. Not sweater… Apparently you are deaf…

**This is a factory, not a circus! **Can't it be both?**  
Now, come on ladies, settle down  
I run a business of repute  
I am the Mayor of this town**

_To the foreman_

**I look to you to sort this out  
And be as patient as you can-**

_He goes back into the factory_

Foreman-  
**Now someone say how this began!**

Harry- He's not very patient, he can't even wait until I finish my sentence, he has to interr-

Foreman- Do not!

Girl-  
**At the end of the day  
She's the one who began it!  
There's a kid that she's hiding  
In some little town  
There's a man she has to pay  
You can guess how she picks up the extra  
You can bet she's earning her keep  
Sleeping around  
And the boss wouldn't like it!**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**Yes it's true there's a child **Well, actually, there isn't**  
And the child is my daughter  
And her father abandoned us  
Leaving us flat  
Now she lives with an innkeeper man **Ron?**  
And his wife **…Ginny…**  
And I pay for the child  
What's the matter with that?**

Women-  
**At the end of the day  
She'll be nothing but trouble  
And there's trouble for all  
When there's trouble for one!  
While we're earning our daily bread  
She's the one with her hands in the butter  
You must send the slut away  
Or we're all gonna end in the gutter  
And it's us who'll have to pay  
At the end of the day!**

Foreman-  
**I might have known the bitch could bite  
I might have known the cat had claws  
I might have guessed your little secret  
Ah yes, the virtuous Fantine  
Who keeps herself so pure and clean  
You'd be the cause I had no doubt  
Of any trouble hereabout  
You play a virgin in the light  
But need no urgin' in the night.**

Girl-  
**She's been laughing at you  
While she's having her men**

Women-  
**She'll be nothing but trouble again and again  
**  
Woman-  
**You must sack her today**

Workers-  
**Sack the girl today!**

Foreman-  
**Right my girl. On your way!**

Bubblewrap- Straight into I dreamed a dream!

Ginny- Who's dreaming?

Bubblewrap- Hermione.

Ron- Hey, where's Malfoy?

Bubblewrap- Hey, Hermione! Let's get started.

Hermione- But where is Mal-

Bubblewrap- Just start already!

Hermione (As Fantine)-

**There was a time when men were kind, **When?**  
And their voices were soft,  
And their words inviting.  
There was a time when love was blind,  
And the world was a song, **And what kind of song was it?**  
And the song was exciting. **Oh, an exciting song.**  
There was a time when it all went wrong...  
I dreamed a dream in time gone by,  
When hope was high and life, worth living.  
I dreamed that love would never die, **You can't kill love. It doesn't have a heart or arteries, or anything.

Bubblewrap- Love doesn't have a heart… that sounds weird.

**I dreamed that God would be forgiving.  
Then I was young and unafraid,  
And dreams were made and used and wasted.  
There was no ransom to be paid,  
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.  
But the tigers come at night, **Metaphorical tigers, right?... Right?

Bubblewrap- No, Hermione, real tigers.

Hermione- I hate sarcasm…

**With their voices soft as thunder,  
As they tear your hope apart,  
And they turn your dream to shame. **Rather cynical…**  
He slept a summer by my side,  
He filled my days with endless wonder...  
He took my childhood in his stride,  
But he was gone when autumn came!  
And still I dream he'll come to me, **Why would you want him?**  
That we will live the years together,  
But there are dreams that cannot be,  
And there are storms we cannot weather!  
I had a dream my life would be  
So different from this hell I'm living,  
So different now from what it seemed...  
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed... **This song is really depressing… Can I go to the library?

Bubblewrap- What for? You're excused from homework, remember?

Hermione- Yea, but I need to keep up on it or I'll be so confused when we get back!

Harry- If she's going to the library, can I go to the quidditch pitch?

Bubblewrap- Ugh, fine! Does anyone else want to go anywhere?

Cho- Well, actually, I had a date…

Bubblewrap- Go!

Cedric- I am her date…

Bubblewrap- Go! Anyone else? _Crickets_ Good. The rest of you, just… take five or something. Play with the future stuff.

Ron- Actually, most of the future stuff is explosive.

Bubblewrap- Really?

Ginny- Only the stuff he brought back.

Bubblewrap- Really? _Pause_ Wait, you brought explosive future things into the past and dumped it on a pile of other future stuff?

Ron- You told me to!

Bubblewrap- I didn't know it was explosive!

Ron- How could you not know!? It was TNT, everyone knows what that looks like, even wizards!

Bubblewrap- Well, just as long as no one sets anything on fire…

Luna- Hey look everyone, the Weasly twins have fireworks!

Ron- Oh shi—

Bubblewrap- Everyone get out NOW

Collin- Why do we—

_**BOOM**_


	4. Chapter 4

**Act 4- In Which Lovely Ladies Warrants a Rating of T, cousins visit, and cake is served**

Bubblewrap-Well, we can't get back inside the theatre until Ron fiishes cleaning up, so we'll just have to do some thing else while we wait…

Hermione- _Carrying a large stack of books_ Wait, Ron is actually cleaning something?

Bubblewrap- yes, a very large something, actually, commonly referred to as a 'stage'

Hermione- Why is he cleaning the stage?

Bubblewrap- Because he brought back some TNT from the future, and it went off, revealing that it was actually joke TNT filled with a sticky sort of goo.

Hermione- So Ron's cleaning up goo?

Bubblewrap- Lots of goo. Lots and lots of goo. So, I was thinking we might as well start learning the dance for wedding chorale…

Neville- Dance? We have to dance?

Bubblewrap- Well, you don't, because Javert jumps in a river two songs before that.

_Everyone starts complaining._

Bubblewrap- Look, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to learn this one dance!

Ron- I'm DONE!

Everyone- Woo-hoo! Great job, Ron!

Ron- _Slightly confused about why everyone is so excited, but enjoying it anyway_ Thank you! I would like to thank my mother, who taught me a cleaning charm, and my girlfriend Hermione who has always been there when I need her, and—

Bubblewrap- Ron, they're all back on stage.

Ron- _Crestfallen_ What? Why?!

Bubblewrap- Because they don't care about you, they just want to go back on stage and avoid dancing lessons.

Ron- NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!! _Runs off crying_

Hermione- I care, Ron! _Tries to run after him_

Bubblewrap- No, you're in the next song, now come on.

Hermione- What? Another one?

Bubblewrap- Live with it, you've only got three left and then you're dead until Finale.

Hermione- I don't know whether or not to be comforted by that.

Bubblewrap- Okay, people, let's get started with Lovely ladies!

Sailor 1-  
**I smell women  
Smell 'em in the air  
Think I'll drop my anchor  
In that harbor over there**

Sailor 2-  
**Lovely ladies  
Smell 'em through the smoke  
Seven days at sea  
Can make you hungry for a poke**

Sailor 3-  
**Even stokers need a little stoke!**

Hermione- That is absolutely disgusting!

Bubblewrap- Yep. But, sadly without this song the next song wouldn't make any sense, and that song is pretty important plot-wise.

Hermione- Can someone else play Fantine?

Ginny- _Still unhappy about being married to Ron_ I will! We can switch!

Hermione- _Wanting to be paired with Ron_ That would work! Let's switch!

Bubblewrap- No, you _Pointing to Ginny_ Are playing Mme. Thénardier, and you _pointing to Hermione_ are playing Fantine. Why does Ron have to always cause all the problems..?

Ron- When have I ever caused a problem?

Bubblewrap- Well, right now, the thing with the TNT—

Ron- That's only two things.

Bubblewrap- So far…

Women-  
**Lovely ladies  
Waiting for a bite  
Waiting for the customers  
Who only come at night  
Lovely ladies  
Ready for the call  
Standing up or lying down  
Or any way at all  
Bargain prices up against the wall**

Old Woman-  
**Come here, my dear  
Let's see this trinket you wear  
This bagatelle...**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**Madame, I'll sell it to you...**

Old Woman-  
**I'll give you four**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**That wouldn't pay for the chain! **Actually, it would, we're using Luna's butterbeer necklace

Old Woman-  
**I'll give you five. You're far to eager to sell.  
It's up to you.**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**It's all I have **Wait, if Fantine doesn't have anything else to sell, how does she earn a living?

Bubblewrap- Come on, Hermione, you're supposed to be smart…

Hermione- Wait, she—Oh, come on! Please let me switch with Ginny! Please!

Bubblewrap- No!

Old Woman-  
**That's not my fault**

Hermione (As Fantine)-

**Please make it ten.**

Old Woman-  
**No more than five  
My dear, we all must stay alive!**

Women-  
**Lovely ladies  
Waiting in the dark  
Ready for a thick one  
Or a quick one in the park**

Whore 1-  
**Long time short time  
Any time, my dear  
Cost a little extra if you want to take all year!**

All-  
**Quick and cheap is underneath the pier!**

Crone-  
**What pretty hair!  
What pretty locks you got there  
What luck you got. It's worth a centime, my dear  
I'll take the lot**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**Don't touch me! Leave me alone! **You're not going to really make me cut my hair off, are you?

Bubblewrap- Of course.

Hermione- Please tell me there's a 'not' at the end of that sentence.

Bubblewrap- No, there's no 'not'. Geeze, talk about a double negative…

Hermione- What if I don't want my hair cut?

Bubblewrap- Then you can use a hair regrowth potion as soon as we're done with 'Fantine's Death'

Crone-  
**Let's make a price.  
I'll give you all of ten francs,  
Just think of that!**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**It pays a debt**

Crone-  
**Just think of that**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**What can I do? It pays a debt.  
Ten francs may save my poor Cosette! **

Sailor 3-  
**Lovely lady!  
Fastest on the street  
Wasn't there three minutes  
She was back up on her feet**

Sailor 1-  
**Lovely lady!  
What yer waiting for?  
Doesn't take a lot of savvy  
Just to be a whore  
Come on, lady  
What's a lady for?**

_Fantine re-emerges, her long hair cut short  
_  
Pimp-  
**Give me the dirt, who's that bit over there? **I can see why she doesn't want to cut her hair…

Whore 1-  
**A bit of skirt. She's the one sold her hair. **Yea, she looks like a guy…

Whore 2-  
**She's got a kid. Sends her all that she can **No, just a very ugly—

Hermione- You know I can hear you all, right?**  
**  
Pimp-  
**I might have known  
There is always some man  
Lovely lady, come along and join us!  
Lovely lady!**

Whore 1-  
**Come on dearie, why all the fuss?  
You're no grander than the rest of us  
Life has dropped you at the bottom of the heap  
Join your sisters**

Whore 2-  
**Make money in your sleep!**

_Fantine goes off with one of the sailors  
_  
Whore 1-  
**That's right dearie, let him have the lot**

Whore 3-  
**That's right dearie, show him what you've got!**

Women-  
**Old men, young men, take 'em as they come  
Harbor rats and alley cats and every kind of scum  
Poor men, rich men, leaders of the land  
See them with their trousers off they're never quite as grand  
All it takes is money in your hand!  
Lovely ladies  
Going for a song  
Got a lot of callers  
But they never stay for long**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**Come on, Captain, **Actually, go away captain**  
you can wear your shoes **While you walk away**  
Don't it make a change  
To have a girl who can't refuse **Just remember the 1000 galleons… **  
Easy money **Not really**  
Lying on a bed **It's a really uncomftorable prop, can't we use a cushioning charm?**  
Just as well they never see  
The hate that's in your head  
Don't they know they're making love **Pretending to make love**  
To one already dead!**

Hermione- Am I done now? Can I go?

Bubblewrap- No, Collin still has to try and buy you.

Collin- About that… it's just not that good of an idea, really. See, Ron's a jealous boyfriend…

Bubblewrap-You let me worry about Ron. Just say your lines.

Collin (As Bamatobis)-  
**Here's something new, I think I'll give it a try. **I hereby disclaim any free-will during the course of this song**  
Come closer you! I like to see what I buy **Even though I don't want to buy you**  
The usual price, for just a slice of your pie **And I am allergic to pie.**  
**  
Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**I don't want you, no, no, m'sieur, let me go.**

Collin (As Bamatobis)-  
**Is this a trick? I won't pay more! **Or at all

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**No, not at all.**

Collin (As Bamatobis)-  
**You've got some nerve, you little whore **I DO NOT MEAN THAT**  
You've got some gall.  
It's the same with a tart as it is with a grocer **Or that.**  
The customer sees what he gets in advance  
It's not for the whore to say 'yes sir' or 'no sir' **Or that.**  
It's not for the harlot to pick and to choose **Or that.**  
Or lead me a dance! **Please, no more dancing!

_He hits her with his stick, she claws at his face, drawing blood._

Ron- WHY'D YOU HURT MY GIRLFRIEND?!

Bubblewrap- Hey, Ron, you want to go stick your head in a toilet? It's really fun!

Ron- Sure! _Leaves_

Bubblewrap- You can continue now.

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**I'll kill you, you bastard, try any of that! **That's okay, I know you didn't mean it**  
Even a whore who has gone to the bad  
Won't be had by a rat! **I hope Ron doesn't actually stick his head down a toilet.

Collin (As Bamatobis)-  
**By Christ you'll pay for what you've done **He probably will**  
This rat will make you bleed, you'll see! **His brothers told me they used to do that all the time to him**  
I guarantee, I'll make you suffer **And he never even caught on!**  
For this disturbance of the peace **Peace out**  
For this insult to life and property!**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**I beg you, don't report me sir **Fred and George used to stick his head down toilets?**  
I'll do whatever you may want**

Collin (As Bamatobis)-  
**Make your excuse to the police! **Actually, they flushed it down. And Percy helped.

_Javert enters, accompanied by constables._

Neville (As Javert)  
**Tell me quickly what's the story **I missed the things with Ron, what's going on?**  
Who saw what and why and where **'Cause I didn't actually see anything**  
Let him give a full description **Did anyone actually see his head in the toilet?**  
Let him answer to Javert! **And Neville!**  
In this nest of whores and vipers **Not including you, Hermione**  
Let one speak who saw it all **Or even some of it**  
Who laid hands on this good man here?  
What's the substance of this brawl?**

Collin (As Bamatobis)-  
**Javert, would you belive it **Ron's head is in the toilet, you really don't need to know anymore

Bubblewrap- If I go rescue Ron from the bathroom, will you all just shut up about it? _Leaves_

**I was crossing from the park  
When this prostitute attacked me **Sorry again, Hermione**  
You can see she left her mark **Watch while I point to my perfectly mark-less face!

Neville (As Javert)  
**She will answer for her actions  
When you make a full report  
You may rest assured, M'sieur,  
That she will answer to the court.**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**There's a child who sorely needs me **Yea, Ron will be moping right about now. Total child.**  
Please M'sieur, she's but that high **In emotional maturity**  
Holy God, is there no mercy? **Why did I agree to go out with him?**  
If I go to jail she'll die! **If I have to snog him again I'LL die!

Neville (As Javert)  
**I have heard such protestations  
Every day for twenty years **Even though I just turned 15 last week **  
Let's have no more explanations  
Save your breath and save your tears  
Honest work, just reward,  
That's the way to please the Lord.**

_Fantine gives a last despairing cry as she is arrested. Valjean emerges from the crowd._

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**A moment of your time, Javert  
I do believe this woman's tale **Thankfully, or Ron would beat me up

Neville (As Javert)  
**But M'sieur Mayor!  
**  
Harry (As Valjean)-  
**You've done your duty  
Let her be  
She needs a doctor, not a jail.**

Neville (As Javert)  
**But M'sieur Mayor! **Didn't I already say this?

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**Can this be? **I'm breaking up with Ron!

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**Where will she end -  
This child without a friend? **I'm your friend! And Ron! **  
I've seen your face before **I TOTOALLY don't have amnesia!**  
Show me some way to help you  
How have you come to grief  
In a place such as this?**

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**M'sieur, don't mock me now, I pray **I know Ron's not really my friend!**  
It's hard enough I've lost my pride **Why did you let me kiss Ron?!

Harry- As if I could stop you!

**You let your foreman send me away  
Yes, you were there, and turned aside **IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!**  
I never did no wrong**

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**Is it true, what I have done? **YOU LIE!

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**My daughter's close to dying **Why would I lie?**  
**

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**To an innocent soul? **I would never abandon you! We're BFFs FOREVER!

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**If there's a God above**… he'll make you shut up! You're not my friend anymore!**  
**

Harry (As Valjean)-

**Had I only known then... **When I rescued you from that troll

Hermione (As Fantine)-  
**He'd let me die instead **You would have liked that!

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**In His name my task has just begun **_Muttering to himself_ must… not… hex… Hermione**  
I will see it done!  
I will see it done! **WHY AM I SO BLOODY REPETITIVE?!

Neville (As Javert)  
**But M'sieur Mayor! **You think YOU'RE repetitive?! This is like time 3 for that line!

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**I will see it done! **SHUT UP NEVILLE!

Neville (As Javert)  
**But M'sieur Mayor! **FOUR TIMES!!

Voices-  
**Look out! It's a runaway cart**

Harry- I hope Hermione gets run over!

Hermione- I hate you Harry!

Neville- I'm so left out!

Ron- _From off-stage_ GET MY HEAD OUT OF THIS BLOODY TOILET!

Ginny- I want to switch parts with Hermione!

Hermione- No way! I don't want to be married to Ron!

Ron- _Coming in with his head covered in toilet water_ Wait… why not?

Bubblewrap- Okay, considering you guys need to SHUT UP so we can get on with this, and I'm not very good at breaking up fights… I usually encourage them… I will recruit my awesome cousin

Chloe- who is totally not weird or insane… (who am I kidding?)… Chloe!! Cheer, Yay, WOOOO!!

Bubblewrap- Give me the keyboard back! Now, she's going to—

Ron- Where's Malfoy? I need to take my anger out on someone!

Bubblewrap- Um… I didn't send him back in time to retreive the younger selves of Luna and Cho who are playing Cosette and Eponine so that we will have a young Cosette and young Eponine! Of course not! He's just getting doughnuts!

Ron- _Totoally clueless_ Okay!

Hermione- _under her breath_ idiot.

Bubblewrap- He sure is!

Ron- Wait, what'd I miss?!

Chloe- This is one of the worst cases I've ever seen in my entire life! Now, to build 'team-friendship-thingies' we will lift Neville up by two fingers each AND NOT DROP HIM!!

Ron- Why don't we just use Wingardium Leviosah?

Chloe- Because that's not team building.

Bubblewrap- Right. Now SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

_Everybody gathers around a worried looking Neville_

Neville- Um… guys..?

Malfoy- Hey guys!

Neville- Let's lift Malfoy instead!

Harry- No, let's KILL HIM!

Bubblewrap- Wait, no, this isn't working!

Young Luna/Young Cho- _Run backstage quickly._

Young Cho- I don't wanna stay in the future!

Chloe- Now, now children, let's not be evil and vicious…

Harry- Why not it's fun!!

Bubblewrap- You tell 'er, Harry! I mean… you should listen to Chloe, she's taller and she scares me.

Chloe- Can everybody settle down… Neville!! Get back here!! We still have to lift you and scare you out of your worried little mind!!

Neville- No, I demand that you stop! I am Inspector Javert, and I—

Bubblewrap- Neville, you're not really Javert. We went over this, remember? None of you are cool enough to be Javert.

Neville-But—

Bubblewrap- Oh, just somebody lift him already!

_Everybody goes over to Neville and picks him up. Two fingers each._

Nevillle- This isn't so bad… Kind of relaxing actually… _in a singsong voice…_ when you look me in the eyes, and tell me that you l--… hey wait… nooooooooo…… GOING DOWNNNNN.

Bubblewrap- Neville, they dropped you, like, 2 feet.

Chloe- Drama queen… Although… I do like the choice of song while you were still off your rump. Jonas Brothers—

Bubblewrap- Suck!

Chloe- Have I ever mentioned that I Hate you?!

Bubblewrap- You can't hate me! We're related!

Chloe- Too bad!

Malfoy- Hey I got Doughnuts!!

Harry- DOUGHNUTS

Bubblewrap- I see something nutty here, and it sure aint the dough…

Harry- Wait… I don't get it…

Hermione- He insulted us!

Ron- Let's reunite over our righteous anger!

Bubblewrap- Well, at least they're not angry at each other anymore…

Chloe- See! It worked! Because… I KNOW STUFF!! Aint I so Smarticle!!

Bubblewrap- CAKE TIME!

Ron- Bubble girl Say WHAT?

Bubblewrap- My sister just turned 12. She has cake. I like cake. And don't quote stupid people on stupid shows on stupid Disney Channel.

Chloe- Look! It's raining cake

Bubblewrap- Okay, now that I have wrestled control of the keyboard away from Chloe, we can get back on topic.

Ron- Isn't 'on-topic' us trying to attack you?

Bubblewrap-… Yes. In that case, how about we go on to a NEW topic!?

Chloe- Ok… Harry Potter and Co. … Attack Bubblewrap!!

Ron- I object to Harry's name being mentioned first.

Hermione- Well, he does have all those books named after him.

Neville- How about Javert and co.?

Bubblewrap- Neville, you are not actually Javert.

Chloe- My smarticleness has worked again!! Woo!

Ron- Huh?

Chloe- Don't you see? By saying Harry Potter and Co. I have gotten you to agree on something!!

Ron- Huh?

Chloe- Harry Potter and Co., Ron!! None of you like it!!

Harry- I like it…

Bubblewrap- You know what, I'm ending this act, because it's gone all the way from page 19 to page 30.

Ron- Huh?

**_Four chapters in one day? I told you I had this whole thing finished! Expect all the chapters published by Sunday at the latest._**


	5. Chapter 5

**Act 5- In Which Neville Becomes Delusional, Ron Breaks a Bunch of Time Turners, and the Real Javert Comes to Visit.**

Bubblewrap- Well, since Chloe is temorarily gone, we're going to start 'The Runaway cart'

Harry- What does that have to do with Chloe?

Bubblewrap- She doesn't know any of the songs, of course! Anyway, voices, you're up!

_The crowd parts to reveal that the cart has crashed, trapping Monsieur Fauchelevant_

Voices-  
**Look at that!  
Look at that!  
It's Monsieur Fauchelevant!  
Don't approach! Don't go near!  
At the risk of your life!  
He is caught by the wheel!  
Oh, the pitiful man!  
Stay away, Turn away!  
There is nothing to do!  
There is nothing to do!**

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**Is there anyone here  
Who will rescue the man? **Bunch of wimps**  
Who will help me to shoulder  
The weight of the cart?**

Voices-  
**Don't go near him, Mr. Mayor  
The load is heavy as hell  
The old man's a goner for sure  
It'll kill you as well.**

_Valjean attempts to lift the cart... but fails. He tries again. They manage to pull Fauchelevant clear_

Fauchelevant-  
**M'sieur le Mayor, I have no words  
You come from God, you are a saint.**

Harry- Don't I know it!

Malfoy- _Adressing Bubblewrap accusingly_ see what you did! He's going to have an even bigger head than before!

Bubblewrap- Shut up! Don't worry, he has to go through a sewer later.

Malfoy- Do I have to go through the sewer too?

Bubblewrap- Well, you get… carried through the sewer… and you get shot…

Malfoy- Oh joy.

_Javert takes Valjean aside_

Neville (As Javert)-  
**Can this be true? **Harry, are you playing the hero again?**  
I don't believe what I see! **Malfoy crying about a sewer…**  
A man your age  
To be as strong as you are!  
A mem'ry stirs...  
You make me think of a man  
From years ago  
A man who broke his parole **Oh no!**  
He disappeared **He has an invisibility cloak!**  
Forgive me, Sir,  
I would not dare!**

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**Say what you must **What's wrong with 'playing the hero'?**  
Don't leave it there... **Nobody cares about Malfoy's sewer issues!

Neville (As Javert)-  
**I have only known one other **Who would play the hero that much**  
Who can do what you have done **No, actually, no one would**  
He's a convict from the chain gang **He's a student from Hogwarts**  
He's been ten years on the run **He acts like he's ten years old**  
But he couldn't run forever **Or for very long, he's not really 'in shape'**  
We have found his hideaway **The kitchens

Bubblewrap- How did he know Harry keeps trying to sneak into the kitchens…?

_Harry sneakily makes his way to the door, muttering something about food. He touches the door and gets zapped with electricity. Grumbling and singed, he goes back on stage._

**And he's just been re-arrested **And now he's forced to play the role of Jean Valjean**  
And he comes to court today. **And I'll get to arrest him eventually!

Bubblewrap- No, you don't.

Neville- But isn't that my job?

Bubblewrap- Well… yea, but—

Neville- Doesn't the good guy have to win?

Bubblewrap- Yes, but see, most people thing Valjean is the good guy.

Neville- But I'm Inspector Javert!

Bubblewrap- No, you're not.

Neville- But—

Bubblewrap- Shut up!

**Well, of course he now denies it **You just don't want to admit that I'm Javert!**  
You'd expect that of a con' **I will arrest you all!**  
But he couldn't run forever – **Didn't I say this already?**  
No, not even Jean Valjean! **Not even Harry Potter

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**You say this man denies it all **I'm going to ignore all those insults up there**  
And gives no sign of understanding or repentance? **Because I'm really worried about you.

Bubblewrap- Plus, they aren't even in character.

**You say this man is going to trial **I think Neville needs to go somewhere with straight jackets…**  
And that's he's sure to be returned **And never return…**  
To serve his sentence?  
Come to that, can you be sure, **You are who you say you are?**  
That I am not your man?**

Neville (As Javert)-  
**I have known the thief for ages **I have known the truth for ages!**  
Tracked him down through thick and thin **Well, at least half an hour…**  
And to make the matter certain **You're all just jealous!**  
There's the brand upon his skin  
He will bend, he will break **You'll ALL bend!**  
This time there is no mistake. **You will agree that I'm right!

_Javert leaves. Valjean is alone_

Harry- _Whispering to Bubblewrap_ We need to get him some help.

Bubblewrap- Don't worry, I've already called Chloe!

Harry- That's not going to help at all!

Bubblewrap-… It might…

Chloe- No worris fellow magical folk! For I, Chloe the great, am here! Now tell me what the problem is?

Bubblewrap- Well, see, Neville thinks he's Javert. He's wrong, but he doesn't know it.

Ron- Huh?

Neville- You lie!

Chloe- Why am I not surprised?

Ron- I know! Er, wait… no I don't… why aren't you surprised?

_Pause. Then a loud crash._

Ron- Ow!

Bubblewrap- What now?

Ron- I crashed into this large pile of time turners, breaking them all!

Bubblewrap- What?!

Neville- You know I could arrest you for that, Ron.

Chloe- Is it always like this around here?

Bubblewrap- Yep, pretty much! Hey, look, I think breaking the time turners created a black hole/ wormhole/ time vortex thingy! Nobody touch it, or you'll be sucked into a new time, and you may never get home!

Ron- _Ignoring her_ Look at the pretty lights!

Hermione- Ron, don't do anything stupid…

Ron- Why would I do that _Inches towards black hole_

Neville- Now, son, just back away slowly and no one will have to get hurt…

Bubblewrap- Okay, Javert would never, never say that.

Neville- I am Javert!

Bubblewrap- No you're not!

Neville- Then who is?

Bubblewrap- _Pointing to the guy who just fell out of the black hole_ I think he is, actually.

Neville- He's my twin!

Chloe- Oh, you sad, strange little boy.

Neville- You mean man, right?

Chloe- No.

Bubblewrap- Not at all.

Neville- She wants me…

Bubblewrap- BAD images. BAD. And you act nothing like the real Javert!

Javert- Did someone say my name?

Bubblewrap- Yes! OMG! Hey, can you tell that guy _Points to Neville_ That he's not Javert?

Javert- Eh… sure. _To Neville_ You're not me.

Neville- Really?

Javert- No, you're…

Bubblewrap- _Whispering_ Neville Longbottom.

Javert- Right. You're Neville Longbottom.

Neville- Okay!

Javert- Now I have to go back through that black hole thing and catch some gamin. _Leaves._

Bubblewrap- Bye, Javert! Come visit some time.

Neville- I'm going to go into the kitchen now… and live my simple, pitiful little life, as… NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM! _Sob_

Chloe- Oh no.

George- _Sarcastically _There goes all of that poor boy's bopes and dreams; right down the toilet..

Ron- I am not putting my head down any more toilets!

Bubblewrap- Oh yes you are! Actually, I think that's exactly what Neville needs to cheer him up!

Ron- What, nooooo!

Neville- Wait _Sniffle sniffle_ Ron's getting his head shoved down the toilet?

Ron- No!

Bubblewrap- Yes! Let's go! _She, Neville, and Ron leave._

Chloe Okay then… that's one way to handle things…

Ron- _muffled_Nooooo….

Neville- _laughs_

Chloe- I'm really not being paid enough for this…

_Bubblewrap, Ron, and Neville come back in_

Bubblewrap- Wait, I'm supposed to be paying you?

Chloe- Well, no…

Bubblewrap- Good, 'cause I wasn't going to.

Chloe- It think we should just move on to another song.

Bubblewrap- Really? But you don't like this music.

Chloe- Yea, I'm leaving for a while. See y'all later!

Harry (As Valjean)-  
**He thinks that man is me  
He knew him at a glance!  
That stranger he has found** Hide and seek!**  
This man could be my chance!  
Why should I save his hide? **And seek!**  
Why should I right this wrong  
When I have come so far  
And struggled for so long?  
If I speak, I am condemned. **If I shouldn't be speaking, why am I singing this whole song?**  
If I stay silent, I am damned! **IT'S A VICIOS CIRCLE!**  
I am the master of hundreds of workers.  
They all look to me.  
How can I abandon them?  
How would they live  
If I am not free?  
If I speak, I am condemned.  
If I stay silent, I am damned!  
Who am I?  
Can I condemn this man to slavery **Yup**  
Pretend I do not feel his agony **Sure.**  
This innocent who bears my face **Can I have it back?**  
Who goes to judgement in my place  
Who am I? **Harry Potter!**  
Can I conceal myself for evermore? **No, just 'til this play is over!**  
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?  
And must my name until I die **Which hopefuly will not be soon…**  
Be no more than an alibi?  
Must I lie? **Sure, why not?**  
How can I ever face my fellow men? **It's very easy. You turn your head until you see someone.**  
How can I ever face myself again? **That one's a little bit harder, you need a mirror…**  
My soul belongs to God, I know  
I made that bargain long ago **Like, five songs ago!**  
He gave me hope when hope was gone  
He gave me strength to journey on**_He appears in front of the court_I thought I didn't have amnesia…**  
**_  
He appears in front of the court._

**Who am I? Who am I?  
I am Jean Valjean! **Lie! Lie! Why didn't you lie!

Bubblewrap- First you complain that Valjean is too criminal, now he's not lying enough?

Harry- Yep! And do I really have to—

Bubblewrap- Yes, if it's in the script, you really have to take your shirt off.

Harry- Oh…_He unbuttons his shirt to reveal the number tattooed to his chest_Wait, is Neville even here?

**And so, Javert, You see it's true!  
****That man bears no more guilt than you! **Let's hope he's less insane than you…**  
Who am I? **Amnesia again…**  
24601!**

Bubblewrap- And now is a good time to end this act.


	6. Chapter 6

**Act 6- In Which Ejolras is Cast, Hermione Dies, and a Search is Organized**

Bubblewrap- So, do we want to go straight into Fantine's death, or should we take a break?

Malfoy- Break!

Hermione- Death!

Bubblewrap- Okay, how about we vote. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Malfoy, Cho, Luna, Young Cho, Young Luna, Collin, Dennis, Cedric and Neville get to vote. OMG!

Ron- What?

Bubblewrap- I just realized that I never cast an Enjolras! How could I forget to cast somebody as Enjolras?!

Ron- Who cares?

Bubblewrap- Who cares?! Enjolras, is, like, the second best character, after Javert of course!

Hermione- Well, who gets to play Enjolras?

Bubblewrap- I don't know, everyone already has a part!

Cho- How about Cedric? He's just doing the bishop, and he's in, like, one song!

Cedric- But that's okay, really…

Bubblewrap- Hmm… Okay… but Cedric's a Hufflepuff. Hufflepuffs are not really known for their leadership skills.

Cedric- I've got plenty of leadership skills, thank you very much!

Bubblewrap- Okay, Cedric can play Enjolras. Now, let's get back to performing.

Ron- But we didn't even get to vote on whether we wanted a break!

Bubblewrap- You should have taken your break while I was freaking over my lack of casting skills. Now back to work!

_Fantine is lying on a hospital bed, delirious_

Hermione ( As Fantine)-  
**Cosette, it's turned so cold **You know, actually we do need to turn the heat up…**  
Cosette, it's past your bedtime  
You've played the day away  
And soon it will be night.  
Come to me, Cosette, the light is fading **Yep, that's usually what happens when night comes.**  
Don't you see the evening star appearing?  
Come to me, and rest against my shoulder  
How fast the minutes fly away and every minute colder.  
Hurry near, another day is dying  
Don't you hear, the winter wind is crying?  
There's a darkness which comes without a warning  
But I will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning.**_Valjean enters_Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Oh, Fantine, our time is running out **'Cause you're going to die soon**  
But Fantine, I swear this on my life**Hermione ( As Fantine)-**  
Look, M'sieur, where all the children play**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Be at peace, be at peace evermore. **Peace out!Hermione ( As Fantine)-**  
My Cosette...**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Shall live in my protection **Even though I'm a wanted criminal who is probably going to be arrested soon!Hermione ( As Fantine)-**  
Take her now**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Your child will want for nothing **Except possibly a proper home while I'm in prisonHermione ( As Fantine)-**  
Good M'sieur, you come from God in Heaven.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
And none shall ever harm Cosette  
As long as I am living. **When does Cosette actually come on stage? We've been singing about her a long time.

Bubblewrap- Well, young Cosette is in the song after the one after this, but grown up Cosette doesn't come on stage for another… seven songs. And she doesn't have lines until six songs after that.

Harry- Really? She doesn't seem like a very major character.

Bubblewrap- Well, she's kind of important… I guess… but she's got less lines than anyone else in the whole play.Hermione ( As Fantine)-**  
Take my hand. The night grows ever colder. **Seriously, why is it so cold in here?Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Then I will keep you warm. **I don't know…

Bubblewrap- Sorry, the time vortex is sucking all the heat out of the air around it.

Harry- Hasn't that thing gone away yet?

Bubblewrap- No, it's kind of permanent, I think. Just move a little bit away from it and you should feel warmer.Hermione ( As Fantine)-

**Take my child. I give her to your keeping.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Take shelter from the storm **What storm? Is is it raining?Rain is cold. And rain is wet. And rain—

Bubblewrap- Will make the flowers grow!

Malfoy- What?

Bubblewrap- Never mind.

Malfoy- That sounds lame.

Bubblewrap- Actually that's your line.

Malfoy- You're kidding…Hermione ( As Fantine)-**  
For God's sake, please stay till I am sleeping  
And tell Cosette I love her  
And I'll see her when I wake...**_She dies with a smile. Javert arrives_

Hermione- Yes! My part is done!

Harry- _Jealous_ Well you don't have to seem so happy about it…

Hermione- I guess I'll just be leaving now…

Harry- Bye!

Hermione- Bye!

Bubblewrap- Oh, no you don't! If you leave, Ron will follow you like a love-sick puppy. Plus, you're in Finale, so you can't leave until that's over.

Hermione- Oh… can I regrow my hair now?

Bubblewrap- Yea, there should be a hair regrowing potion around here somewhere.

Hermione- _After a brief pause_ Found it, thanks.0

Bubblewrap- Okay, now we move on to the coolest sounding song in the whole musical. It would be the coolest song period, except it's so short. Also, I strongly suggest actually listening to the song while you read this, if at all possible.

Neville (As Javert)-**  
Valjean, at last,  
We see each other plain **You're not really mayor, I'm not really Javert… it's all so confusing!**  
M'sieur le Mayor,'  
You'll wear a different chain! **What's wrong with the old one?Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Before you say another word, Javert  
Before you chain me up like a slave again  
Listen to me! There is something I must do. **Run away from you.**  
This woman leaves behind a suffering child. **Who doesn't have a lot of lines**  
There is none but me who can intercede, **But it's smarter to run away, because I won't go there, right?

Bubblewrap- Why not?

Harry- Well, I just told him that I'm going there, so now I won't go there.

Bubblewrap- Oh, yes you are.

Harry- But—

Bubblewrap- We're not skipping over The Thénardier Waltz of Treachery. That song has an awesome title.

Malfoy- Waltz of Treachery? That doesn't sound very menacing.

Bubblewrap- No, it really doesn't. We took a vote at school and almost everyone said a Polka of Treachery sounded better.

**  
In Mercy's name, three days are all I need.  
Then I'll return, I pledge my word.  
Then I'll return...**Neville (As Javert)-**  
You must think me mad! **

Harry- Well, yea.

**  
I've hunted you across the years **Across a few songs and a couple of hours.**  
A man like you can never change  
A man such as you.**Harry (As Valjean)-_in counterpoint_**  
Believe of me what you will  
There is a duty that I'm sworn to do  
You know nothing of my life **Which is weird because we sang a couple of songs about it.**  
All I did was steal some bread **And some candlesticks…**  
You know nothing of the world  
You would sooner see me dead **That's a bit harsh**  
But not before I see this justice done  
I am warning you Javert  
I'm a stronger man by far **I play quidditch!**  
There is power in me yet **Magical power! Mwa ha ha!

Malfoy- _To himself_ Mwa ha ha? What the—

**  
My race is not yet run **Can I fly it instead?**  
I am warning you Javert  
There is nothing I won't dare **Truth or dare!**  
If I have to kill you here **I knew he was still a criminal!**  
I'll do what must be done!**Neville (As Javert)-_in counterpoint_**  
Men like me can never change  
Men like you can never change  
No, 24601 **Can't he just say Valjean, like normal people?**  
My duty's to the law - you have no rights **Or lefts!**  
Come with me 24601  
Now the wheel has turned around  
Jean Valjean is nothing now **Now I'm stealing his lines? This line was in 'What have I done'!**  
Dare you talk to me of crime  
And the price you had to pay  
Every man is born in sin  
Every man must choose his way  
You know nothing of Javert **I thought I was Javert…

Malfoy- We noticed, Neville.

**  
I was born inside a jail **Really?

Bubblewrap- No, actually. It's lines like this that make me wonder if the guys who wrote this even read the book…

**  
I was born with scum like you  
I am from the gutter too! **

Harry- Are you saying I'm from the gutter?!

Neville- Erm… no? I'm singing it…?_Valjean breaks a chair and threatens Javert with the broken piece. Turns to Fantine_Harry (As Valjean)-**  
**_to Fantine_** And this I swear to you tonight **Hey, where's Hermione?

Bubblewrap- Isn't she there?

Harry- No, there's just a manequin, dressed up like Hermione.

Bubblewrap- Where did she go…? _Leaves, muttering under her breath._Neville (As Javert)-**  
**_to Valjean_** There is no place for you to hide**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Your child will live within my care **Ho hum, talking to a manequin…Neville (As Javert)-**  
Wherever you may hide away**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
And I will raise her to the light. **Still talking to a manequin…Harry (As Valjean)andNeville (As Javert)-**  
I swear to you, I will be there!**_They fight, Javert is knocked out. Valjean escapes_

Bubblewrap-Okay, before we go on to the next song, we're going to have to go look for Hermione.

Harry- Oh, that's easy. She's in the library.

Bubblewrap- Don't you think that's the first place I looked? She's not there, she's not in Gryffindor tower, and she's not in the Room of requirement.

Harry- Aren't _we_ in the room of requirement?

Bubblewrap- Well, duh, how did you think I knew she wasn't in here?

Malfoy- I don't want to go look for the mudblood.

Ron- HOW DARE YOU CALL MY GIRLFRIEND A MUDBLOOD? I'M GOING TO SHOVE YOUR HEAD DOWN THE TOILET!

Malfoy- How about I shove your head down the toilet instead?

Ron- _Thinks for a moment_ Sure!

Malfoy- Let's go. _They leave._

Bubblewrap- Okay, I'm going to split you into pairs and you can split up and look for Hermione, okay? Harry, you go with Luna, Ron… is still in the bathroom with Malfoy… wow, that sounds so wrong… Ginny, you go with Cedric, Cho and Neville, Young Cho and Collin, and Young Luna and Dennis.

_With Harry and Luna_

Harry- So, where do you think we should look?

Luna- Well, I don't know, you're her friend. Where do you think we should look.

Harry- I don't know, if she's not in the library I don't know where she could be. Do you want to just go to the kitchens and see if the house elves will give us something to eat?

Luna- Ooh, yes, I'm very hungry…

_With Ron and Malfoy_

Ron- Do you think we should tell the readers that no one's actually shoving my head down the toilet?

Malfoy- No, they seem to think it's funny. What is this thing called again?

Ron- The television?

Malfoy- Right… I can see why muggles like this so much.

Ron- Why do you think I keep letting people 'shove my head down the toilet'? Want some butterbeer?

Malfoy- There's butterbeer in here?

Ron- Yea, I asked Hermione to get some.

Hermione- I can't believe no one's looked for me in the bathroom yet.

Ron- Well, there is a sign that says 'Do not enter, moaning Myrtle within' on the door.

Hermione- That was so smart of you to put up, Ron…

Ron- I had to make sure no one found out about the T.V., couch, PS3, X-box 360, wii, and pinball machine in here.

Malfoy- Good thinking.

Hermione- Did you just compliment Ron?

Malfoy- Sure. He's not as stupid as he pretends.

Hermione- I think you're just not as mean as you pretend.

Malfoy- Well I'm not going to piss off the guy who invited me in here or his girlfriend… this T.V. is way too cool…

_With Ginny and Cedric_

Cedric- So… Ginny went off somewhere… I think she's doing her make-up or something… and now I'm wandering around Hogwarts looking for someone, and I have absolutely no idea where she is… and also I'm talking to myself, which I'm sure looks very weird…

_With Cho and Neville_

Neville- So… Cho went off somewhere… I think she's doing her make-up or something… and now I'm wandering around Hogwarts looking for someone, and I have absolutely no idea where she is… and also I'm talking to myself, which I'm sure looks very weird…

_With Young Cho and Collin_

Young Cho-CanIhavesomecandyI'dreallylikesomecandycandywouldbeverytastyrightnowespeciallysomethingwithchocolateinitIlikechocolatebutanykindofcandywoulddoreallyI—

Collin- _Scared_ Er… no, I already gave you some candy, and that, apparently was a mistake…

Young Cho- I WANT CANDY!

_With Young Luna and Dennis_

Dennis- So, any idea where she might be?

Young Luna- Well, I saw her go into the bathroom a while ago.

Dennis- And you didn't say anything?

Young Luna- No…

Dennis- Why not?

Young Luna- I thought the nargles might get angry if we told where she was.

Dennis-…

_An hour or so later…_

_With Harry and Luna_

Harry- Hey, look, the house elves have fire whiskey!

Luna- Mmm hmm…

Harry- Can I have some of that?

House elf #1- Of course!

House elf #2- No! Professor Head told house elves not to let students have fire whiskey!

House elf #1- But it is Mr. Potter that is telling us this!

Luna- And at that moment they were interrupted by an announcement from a loudspeaker.

Harry- Wha—

Voice From Loudspeaker- Will the cast of Les Misérables please return to the stage?

Harry- _To no one in particular_ Well that was weird…

_With Ron, Hermione, and Malfoy_

Malfoy- WOO! Home run!

Hermione- _Looking at the baseball game Malfoy is watching on T.V._ No, actually, that's a foul ball…

Malfoy- But it went into the stands, you said that was a home run!

Hermione- Not if it goes behind either of the white lines.

Malfoy- That doesn't make any sense!

Ron- Where are the brooms?

Hermione- It's a muggle sport. There aren't any brooms.

Ron- No brooms?!

Hermione- No brooms.

Malfoy- Oh, foul ball!

Hermione- No, that one was a home run.

Malfoy- Who invented this sport anyway?

Voice From Loudspeaker- Will the cast of Les Misérables please return to the stage?

Malfoy- Since when did Hogwarts get loudspeakers?

_With Ginny and Cho_

Ginny- So, then, I was like, OMG!

Cho- That is, like, such a great story.

Ginny- I know, but, like, he didn't understand that I was, like, cheating on him for his own good!

Cho- Like, Ohmigosh!

Voice From Loudspeaker- Will the cast of Les Misérables please return to the stage?

Cho- But I didn't even finish my make-up!

_With Cedric and Neville_

Neville- I just don't understand girls.

Cedric- Who does?

Neville- Or maybe it's humanity that's weird.

Cedric- Probably.

Neville- WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE!?

Voice From Loudspeaker- Will the cast of Les Misérables please return to the stage?

Neville- Really? That's a weird meaning…

_With Young Cho and Collin_

Collin-MMF!

Young Cho- I'm sorry, but I can't untie you—

Collin- MMF!

Young Cho- or take the gag out of your mouth until I finish eating this gigantic pile of chocolate.

Collin-MMF!

Young Cho- Because you'd just take it away, of course!

Voice From Loudspeaker- Will the cast of Les Misérables please return to the stage?

Young Cho- Oh… I wanted to finish the chocolate!

_With Young Luna and Dennis_

Dennis- …

Young Luna- You really have to stop doing that after everything I say, or the crumple horned snorcacks might think you're _in a stage whisper_ A bit slow.

Dennis-…

Voice From Loudspeaker- Will the cast of Les Misérables please return to the stage?

Dennis- YES!


	7. Chapter 7

**Act 7- In Which Young Cho has a Fowl Mouth, Lots of Characters are Introduced, and… Nothing much Else Really Happens.**

Bubblewrap- … _Ending a rant_ So no more hiding in bathrooms, okay? What were you doing in there for an hour, anyway?

Hermione- _Offended_ That is an incredibly rude question and I think I will pretend I didn't hear it.

Bubblewrap- _Sighs_ Well, now that we have all the cast members back, we can move on to Castle on a Cloud.

Young Luna- That's my song!

Bubblewrap- Yep. Have at it.

_Little Cosette is working as a drudge in the Thénardier's inn at Montfermeil._

Young Luna (As Young Cosette)-**  
There is a castle on a cloud, **That sounds very nice**  
I like to go there in my sleep,  
Aren't any floors for me to sweep,  
Not in my castle on a cloud.  
There is a room that's full of toys,  
There are a hundred boys and girls,  
Nobody shouts or talks too loud, **That would scare away the nargles…**  
Not in my castle on a cloud.  
There is a lady all in white,  
Holds me and sings a lullaby,  
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,  
She says "Cosette, I love you very much."  
I know a place where no one's lost,  
I know a place where no one cries,  
Crying at all is not allowed,  
Not in my castle on a cloud.  
Oh help! I think I hear them now,  
and I'm nowhere near finished sweeping and  
scrubbing and polishing the floor.  
Oh, it's her! It's Madame!  
**

Bubblewrap- That was very nice.

Young Luna- Thank you…

_Madame Thénardier rushes in, followed by Young Eponine_

Young Cho- Wait, who's young Eponine?

Bubblewrap- That's you.

Young Cho- Oh! Wait, I don't get any lines?

Bubblewrap- Nope.

Young Cho- But I want lines!

Bubblewrap- If it's not in the script, you don't get lines.

Young Cho- Lines!

Bubblewrap- Ugh, fine! You can insult Young Cosette at the end of the song, okay?

Young Cho- Yay!

**  
**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Now look who's here  
The little madam herself!  
Pretending once again she's been so awfully good,'  
Better not let me catch you slacking **Because you certainly weren't doing ANY work during that little song…**  
Better not catch my eye! **I'll set a bassilisk on you—don't catch IT'S eye!**  
Ten rotten francs your mother sends me **Ha, as if I'm getting paid**  
What is that going to buy? **NOTHING!**  
Now take that pail  
My little Mademoiselle'  
And go and draw some water from the well!  
We should never have taken you in in the first place **WHY did I agree to do this?!**  
How stupid the things that we do! **How stupid this part that I have!**  
Like mother like daughter, the scum of the street. **Hermione wouldn't trade parts with me…**  
Eponine, come my dear, Eponine, let me see you **You have quite a good vocabulary…**  
You look very well in that new little blue hat**

Bubblewrap- Ah! I forgot to get a blue hat for this part… _Starts digging through a box of props_ Is this one okay?

Young Cho- Ew! There's bubblegum inside it!

Bubblewrap- Okay… how about this one?

Young Cho- It's a baseball cap.

Bubblewrap- How about this one?

Young Cho- That's teal, not blue.

Bubblewrap- Same thing… Well, how about this one?

Young Cho- That one—

Bubblewrap- Either wear this one or I'll die your hair blue.

Young Cho- That one looks perfect! … _Quiet_ … ly awful…

**  
There's some little girls who know how to behave  
And they know what to wear **And what NOT to wear!**  
And I'm saying thank heaven for that.  
Still there Cosette?  
Your tears will do you no good!  
I told you fetch some water from the well in the wood!**Young Luna (As Young Cosette)-**  
Please do not send me out alone **You're quite rude, you know**  
Not in the darkness on my own! **It can't be that bad if I can get away from you!Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Enough of that, or I'll forget to be nice! **You don't know the meaning of the word rude!**  
You heard me ask for something,  
And I never ask twice!**

Young Cho- You stupid little –censored- -censored- your –cencored- mother –censored- -censored- you, and—

Bubblewrap- Er… don't insult her… quite that much, please?

Young Cho- You're stupid!

Bubblewrap- perfect!

Young Cho- I was talking to you.

Bubblewrap- I know. But you should say that from now on.

Malfoy- You know, I think Ginny's a little bit bitter that Hermione wouldn't trade parts with her.

Hermione- Er… do you think I'll be in more pain if I go hide again, or if I stay here with Ginny?

Malfoy- Tough call.

Bubblewrap- Don't even THINK about moving!_Young Eponine pushes Cosette out. Thenardier says good night to his daughter as the inn fills up for the evening_

Bubblewrap- So… now we have to do 'master of the house'

Harry- What's so bad about that?

Bubblewrap- It's really, really, really long.

Harry- So is 'at the end of the day'

Bubblewrap- Yea, but this one tends to get stuck in one's head and never go away.

Harry- So… should we start?

Bubblewrap- Yea… go ahead…

Ron- When do I get to come in?

Bubblewrap- Now.

Ron- _Squeals_ Yay!

Ginny- _Smacks him_ Don't. Do that. Again.

Ron- Sorry…

Drinker 3-**  
Come on you old pest**Drinker 2-**  
Fetch a bottle of your best**Drinker 1-**  
What's the nectar of the day?**_Thénardier enters with a flask of wine_Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Here, try this lot **It's full of pumpkin juice!

Bubblewrap- What, you think I'd let you have real wine? Dumbledore would kill me!

**  
Guaranteed to hit the spot  
Or I'm not Thénardier **Well, I'm not.Drinkers-**  
Gissa glass a rum  
Landlord, over here!**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Right away, you scum **_to himself_**  
Right away, m'sieur! **_to customer_Diner 1-**  
God this place has gone to hell**Diner 2-**  
So you tell me every year**Drinker 6-**  
Mine host Thenardier  
He was there so they say,  
At the field of Waterloo**

Bubblewrap- Page 50 of this story has been succesfully reached!!Drinker 7-**  
Got there, it's true  
When the fight was all through**Drinker 1-**  
But he knew just what to do  
Crawling through the mud  
So I've heard it said  
Picking through the pockets  
Of the English dead**Drinker 8-**  
He made a tidy score  
From the spoils of war**

Bubblewrap- That part when they were just talking about Waterloo takes up 50 pages in the original novel that this is based on. And Thénardier isn't even mentioned until the 47th page… _Grumbling_ It took me almost an hour to read that part…Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
My band of soaks  
My den of dissolutes  
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts. '**My always pissed as newts'? What kind of grammer is that?

Bubblewrap- Not grammer.

**  
My sons of whores  
Spent their lives in my inn  
Homing pigeons homing in  
They fly through my doors  
And their money's as good as yours**Diner 1-**  
Ain't got a clue  
What he put in this stew  
Must have scraped it off the street**Diner 2-**  
God what a wine!  
Chateau Neuf de Turpentine  
Must have pressed it with his feet**Drinkers-**  
Landlord over here!  
Where's the bloody man?  
One more for the road!  
One more slug o' gin.**Girl-**  
Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in.**_Thenardier greets a new customer_Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Welcome, M'sieur  
Sit yourself down  
And meet the best  
Innkeeper in town  
As for the rest,  
All of 'em crooks**

Bubblewrap- At this point would it be helpful to point out that the Thénardier's inn is located in the small town of Montfeirmeill, which probably does not have any other inns, or innkeepers.

Malfoy- No, actually, that is really not too helpful.

**  
Rooking their guests  
And cooking the books.  
Seldom do you see  
Honest men like me  
A gent of good intent  
Who's content to be  
Master of the house  
Doling out the charm  
Ready with a handshake  
And an open palm  
Tells a saucy tale  
Makes a little stir **The food imagery is making me hungry…**  
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur  
Glad to do a friend a favor  
Doesn't cost me to be nice  
But nothing gets you nothing  
Everything has got a little price!  
Master of the house  
Keeper of the zoo  
Ready to relieve 'em  
Of a sou or two  
Watering the wine **Or pumpkin joice, as the case may be**  
Making up the weight  
Pickin' up their knick-knacks  
When they can't see straight  
Everybody loves a landlord  
Everybody's bosom friend  
I do whatever pleases  
Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!**Ron (As Thénardier) and Chorus-**  
Master of the house  
Quick to catch yer eye  
Never wants a passerby  
To pass him by  
Servant to the poor  
Butler to the great  
Comforter, philosopher,  
And lifelong mate!  
Everybody's boon companion  
Everybody's chaperone**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
But lock up your valises  
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!**_To another new customer_Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Enter M'sieur  
Lay down your load  
Unlace your boots  
And rest from the road**_Taking his bag_Ow… it does… what's in here, anyway?

This weighs a ton

Hermione- That's my book bag.

Ron- That explains so much…

**  
Travel's a curse  
But here we strive  
To lighten your purse **Wow, this guy really likes cash…**  
Here the goose is cooked  
Here the fat is fried  
And nothing's overlooked  
Till I'm satisfied...  
Food beyond compare  
Food beyond belief  
Mix it in a mincer  
And pretend it's beef  
Kidney of a horse  
Liver of a cat  
Filling up the sausages  
With this and that **All hunger feelings from before are now gone.**  
Residents are more than welcome  
Bridal suite is occupied  
Reasonable charges  
Plus some little extras on the side!  
Charge 'em for the lice  
Extra for the mice  
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice  
Here a little slice **A slice of cake…**  
There a little cut **More food imagery… Or possibly pain imagery…**  
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut  
When it comes to fixing prices  
There are a lot of tricks he knows **magic tricks!**  
How it all increases  
All those bits and pieces  
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!**Ron (As Thénardier) and Chorus-

**Master of the house  
Quick to catch yer eye  
Never wants a passerby  
To pass him by  
Servant to the poor  
Butler to the great  
Comforter, philosopher,  
And lifelong mate!  
Everybody's boon companion  
Gives 'em everything he's got**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Dirty bunch of geezers **Doesn't geezers usually refer to old people?**  
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
I used to dream  
That I would meet a prince  
But God Almighty,  
Have you seen what's happened since? **Married to my own brother…**  
Master of the house?'  
Isn't worth me spit! **Too true**  
Comforter, philosopher'  
- and lifelong shit! **Lifelong –censored-**  
Cunning little brain  
Regular Voltaire  
Thinks he's quite a lover  
But there's not much there **Okay, eeeeeeewww…**  
What a cruel trick of nature **What a cruel trick of casting…**  
Landed me with such a louse  
God knows how I've lasted  
Living with this bastard in the house! **You know, I'm starting to like this character.Ron (As Thénardier) and Chorus-**  
Master of the house.**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Master and a half!**Ron (As Thénardier) and Chorus-**  
Comforter, philosopher**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Ah, don't make me laugh! **Because that is actually pretty funny…Ron (As Thénardier) and Chorus-**  
Servant to the poor. Butler to the great.**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate! **The writers of this play must have been psychic!**  
**

Ron (As Thénardier) and Chorus-**  
Everybody bless the landlord!  
Everybody bless his spouse!**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Everybody raise a glass!**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Raise it up the master's arse!**All-**  
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!**

Bubblewrap- Well, not that that wasn't interesting, but it's time to move on to The Bargain! Which is really short! Woo-hoo!

_Valjean and Young Cosette, hand-in-hand, approach the now empty inn, singing. They arrive at the inn_Harry (as Valjean)-

**I found her wandering in the wood  
This little child, I found her trembling in the shadows  
And I am here to help Cosette  
And I will settle any debt you may think proper** That's probably not too smart to say to these greedy people**  
I will pay what I must pay  
To take Cosette away.  
There is a duty I must heed,  
There is a promise I have made **Which I told you should have been broken…

Bubblewrap- Harry?

Harry- Yea?

Bubblewrap- Just stop complaining about how Jean Valjean doesn't know how to escape from the law, okay? Unless you have some sort of experience, you need to shut up .

Malfoy- You don't have experience in running away from the law, do you?

Harry-_ Laughs nervously_ Of course not! _To himself_ As long as the muggles don't find out about last summer….

**  
For I was blind to one in need **I'M BLIND!**  
I did not see what stood before me **If I'm blind, I can't see what's behind me, either.**  
Now her mother is with God  
Fantine's suffering is over  
And I speak here with her voice **Should I sing in a high, girly vioce?**  
And I stand here in her place  
And from this day and evermore**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Let me have your coat, M'sieur**Harry (as Valjean)-**  
Cosette shall live in my protection**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
You are very welcome here**Harry (as Valjean)-**  
I will not forsake my vow**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Take a glass **All we have is pumpkin juice…Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Take a chair**Harry (as Valjean)-**  
Cosette shall have a father now!**

Bubblewrap- See? Very short.

Ron- Can I go get my head shoved in the toilet?

Malfoy- I'll do it!

Bubblewrap- Nobodies doing it, Ron has most of the next song.

Hermione- The Thénardier Waltz of Treachery?

Bubblewrap- Yep!

Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
What to do? What to say?  
Shall you carry our treasure away?  
What a gem! What a pearl!  
Beyond rubies is our little girl!  
How can we speak of debt?  
Let's not haggle for darling Cosette!  
Dear Fantine, gone to rest...  
Have we done for her child what is best?** Probably not.**  
Shared our bread. Shared each bone.  
Treated her like she's one of our own! **I don't see Eponine doing any work.

Young Cho- Duh.

**  
Like our own, Monsieur!**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Your feelings do you credit, sir  
And I will ease the parting blow  
**

_He pays them._

**  
Let us not talk of bargains or bones or greed  
Now, may I say, we are agreed?**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
That would quite fit the bill  
If she hadn't so often been ill  
Little dear, cost us dear  
Medicines are expensive, M'sieur **Not if you buy Target's brand.**  
Not that we begrudged a sou  
It's no more than we Christians must do!**Ron (As Thénardier) andGinny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
One thing more, one small doubt  
There are treacherous people about  
No offense. Please reflect.  
Your intentions may not be correct?**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
No more words. Here's your price.  
Fifteen hundred for your sacrifice.  
Come, Cosette, say goodbye**

Young Luna- Bye!

**  
Let us seek out some friendlier sky.  
Thank you both for Cosette  
It won't take you too long to forget.**_Valjean and Cosette leave the inn_Stalker…Young Luna (As Young Cosette)**  
Will there be children and castles to see?**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Yes, Cosette, yes, it's true.  
There's a castle just waiting for you. **Where'd he get a castle?Harry (As Valjean) and Young Luna (As Young Cosette)-**  
La la la la la...**

Come, Cosette, come, my dear  
From now on I will always be here  
Where I go, you will be.

Malfoy- _Snorts_ La la la...

Bubblewrap- Now we go on to 'Look down', which is a really cool song! Also, lots of characters, like Gavroche, Marius, and Enjolras are introduced!

Dennis- So I get to go on stage?

Bubblewrap- Yea! Malfoy too.

Malfoy- Do I have to?

Bubblewrap- Yea! Come on, it'll be fun.

Malfoy- No it won't.

Bubblewrap- I don't care. Beggars, you're up!

_1832. The teeming, squalid streets of Paris. Beggars, urchins, prostitutes, students, etc._Beggars-**  
Look down and see the beggars at your feet  
Look down and show some mercy if you can  
Look down and see the sweepings of the street  
Look down, look down,  
Upon your fellow man!**Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
'Ow do you do? My name's Gavroche.  
These are my people. Here's my patch.  
Not much to look at, nothing posh **Posh is such a funny word…**  
Nothing that you'd call up to scratch.  
This is my school, my high society  
Here in the slums of Saint Michele  
We live on crumbs of humble piety  
Tough on the teeth, but what the hell! **Yea! You got a problem with that?**  
Think you're poor?  
Think you're free?  
Follow me! Follow me! **I like this character. He's fun.Beggars-**  
Look down and show some mercy if you can  
Look down, look down, upon your fellow man!**_An old beggar woman finds a young prostitute occupying her pitch_Old Beggar Woman-**  
What you think yer at?  
Hanging round me pitch?  
If you're new around here, girl  
You've got a lot to learn!**Young Prostitute-**  
Listen you old bat...  
Crazy bloody witch...  
'Least I give me customers  
Some pleasure in return!**Old Beggar Woman-**  
I know what you give!  
Give 'em all the pox!  
Spread around your poison  
Till they end up in a box.  
**

Malfoy- Well, that's rather rude.

**  
**Pimp-**  
Leave the poor old cow,  
Move it, Madeleine.  
She used to be no better  
Till the clap got to her brain.**Beggars-**  
When's it gonna end?  
When we gonna live?  
Something's gotta happen now or  
Something's gonna give  
It'll come, it'll come, it'll come  
It'll come, it'll come, it'll come**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Where the leaders of the land? **They're not doing a very good job of leading!**  
Where are the swells who run this show? **Stupid turds.Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Only one man - and that's Lamarque **'the mark' funny name.**  
Speaks for these people here below.**Beggars-**  
See our children fed  
Help us in our shame  
Something for a crust of bread  
In Holy Jesus' name**Urchin-**  
In the Lord's Holy name.**Beggars-**  
In his name, in his name, in his name...**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Lamarque is ill and fading fast! **So use some potions or something.

Bubblewrap- Muggle play, Malfoy. Muggle.

Malfoy- So give him an operation or something.

Bubblewrap- 1832, Malfoy. 1832.

**  
Won't last the week out, so they say.**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
With all the anger in the land  
How long before the judgement day?  
Before we cut the fat ones down to size? **Wait, that sounds pretty violent…

Bubblewrap- Okay, Cedric, if you're going to play Enjolras, you're going to have to get over this 'not going to do anything violent' thing.

Cedric- It's more of a 'not going to do anything violent without a good cause' thing.

Bubblewrap- Well, you've got a good cause. These people are being abused and stuff. Or something… I never was quite clear on all the politicy-ness behind the barricades…

Cedric- What barricades?

Bubblewrap- Just wait.

**  
Before the barricades arise? **Oh… those barricades.Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
Watch out for old Thenardier  
All of his family's on the make **Isn't Gavroche a Thénardier?**  
Once ran a hash-house down the way  
Bit of a swine and no mistake**

Ron- Hey!

**  
He's got a gang  
The bleeding layabout**

Ginny- Well, that's true

**  
Even his daughter does her share  
That's Eponine, she knows her way about  
Only a kid, but hard to scare**

Cho- _From a corner_ EEEEEEEEEEEK!! SPIDER!

**  
Do we care?  
Not a cuss  
Long live us.  
Long live us!**Beggars-**  
Look down and show some mercy if you can  
Look down, look down upon your fellow man!**

Ron- SPIDER!

Cho- I told you! _They run around like chickens with their heads cut off_

Malfoy- Do you think we should tell them it's a rubber spider?

Bubblewrap- Probably not. _After a quarter hour of this_ Okay, that's enough frivolity. Ron, it's a rubber spider. _Ron calms down, but Cho continues to squeal_

Ron- Oh…

Bubblewrap- Anyway, we're moving on to 'The robbery' But first, we're ending act seven.


	8. Chapter 8

**Act 8- In Which Neville has a Solo, Malfoy Convinces People that Harry is the Dark Lord, and Gender Switching Occours.**

_Thenardier assembling his gang  
_**  
**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Everyone here, you know your place  
Brujon, Babet, Claquesous **Where did they come from?

Bubblewrap- They're your gang.

Ron- _Excited_ I have a gang?

Bubblewrap- Yep.

Ron- That's awesome!

**  
You, Montparnasse, watch for the law  
With Eponine take care  
You turn on the tears**

Cho- _Still running away from the spider_ EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Ron- Or I suppose you could just scream…

**  
No mistakes, my dears**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
These bloody students on our street  
Here they come slumming once again **Aren't we all students at Hogwarts?**  
Our Eponine would kiss their feet **Unless there was a spider on their feet.**  
She never had a scrap of brain**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Hey, Eponine, what's up today?  
I haven't seen you much about. **And I hope not to see you for much longer.**  
**

Cho (As Eponine)-

**Here you can always catch me in. **SPIDER!

Bubblewrap- It's not a real spider.

Cho- What?

Bubblewrap- Unreal. Fake. Phony.

Cho- Why didn't anyone tell me earlier?

Malfoy- It was funny.**  
**

Malfoy (As Marius)-

**Mind the police don't catch you out!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
'Ere, wotcher do with all them books? **Whatever happened to good grammer?**  
I could have been a student too!  
Don't judge a girl on how she looks. **Even though I look stunning

Ginny- I look better!

**  
I know a lot of things, I do!**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Poor Eponine, the things you know **I could probably count with the fingers of one hand**  
You wouldn't find in books like these.**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
I like the way you grow your hair **Actually, I've been wondering—are you an albino?Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
I like the way you always tease **Are you a –censored-

Bubblewrap- Malfoy! That was really rude!

Malfoy- She swore more than I did when she was little!

Bubblewrap- And you're not little, so you should know better!

Malfoy- Ugh. Fine. I just get touchy when people mention my beautiful locks_ He pats his hair tenderly._

Bubblewrap- Well, then…Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Little he knows!  
Little he sees!**_Valjean arrives with Cosette, now grown up_Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Here's the old boy. Stay on the job and watch out for the law. **We don't want Neville showing up here again.Cho (As Eponine)-**  
**_To Marius _**Stay out of this.**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
But Eponine... **No problem. I'll be leaving now…Cho (As Eponine)-**  
You'll be in trouble here  
It's not your concern  
You'll be in the clear**_She pushes Marius away  
_

Malfoy- Ow!

**  
**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Who is that man? **Potter's more of a boy…Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Leave me alone!**

Malfoy- You're the one who pushed me!Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Why is he here? Hey, Eponine!**_He tries to follow her, and bumps into Cosette_

I didn't see you there, forgive me.

Luna- That's alright.

**  
**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Please m'sieur, come this way  
Here's a child that ain't eaten today.  
Save a life, spare a sou  
God rewards all the good that you do.  
Wait a bit. Know that face. **Well, I hope so, we share a dorm.**  
Ain't the world a remarkable place?  
Men like me don't forget **Forget what?**  
You're the bastard who borrowed Cosette! **If he borrowed her, doesn't that mean he has to give her back?_Thenardier grabs Valjean and rips open his shirt, revealing the number on his chest_

Harry- Not again! I already had to do this during 'Who am I?'

Bubblewrap- On the bright side you don't get amnesia this time.Harry (As Valjean)-**  
What is this? Are you mad?  
No, Monsieur, you don't know what you do!**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
You know me, you know me!  
I'm a con, just like you!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
It's the police! Disappear! **Disapperate!

Hermione- You can't disapperate inside the Hogwarts grounds!

**  
Run for it! It's Javert!**

Malfoy- Oh crap, it's Neville.

Neville- I'll remember that when your character does something illegal. Even if Neville can't arrest Malfoy, Javert can arrest Marius.

Bubblewrap- Yea, but you don't, because the only time Javert and Marius meet, Javert thinks Marius is dead.

Neville- I can arrest a dead guy…

_Javert and constables break up the fight. Valjean picks himself up and looks for Cosette, who is with Marius._Neville (As Javert)- **  
Another brawl in the square **Was there a first brawl?**  
Another stink in the air!  
Was there a witness to this?  
Well, let him speak to Javert!  
M'sieur, the streets are not safe,  
But let these vermin beware  
We'll see that justice is done!  
Look upon this fine collection **I collect wizarding stamps!

Malfoy- The wizarding world doesn't even use stamps

Neville- They do in Bulgaria.

Malfoy- Why are you collecting Bulgarian wizard stamps?

Neville- The voices in my head told me to.

**  
Crawled from underneath a stone  
This swarm of worms and maggots  
Could have picked you to the bone!  
I know this man over here **That's Ron! Hi, Ron!

Ron- Hi, Neville!

**  
I know his name and his trade **Ron Weasly, Toilet explorer**  
And on your witness, M'sieur,  
We'll see him suitably paid.**_Valjean and Cosette have disappeared._Probably off-stage**  
And why on earth did he run? **It was in the script, and WE MUST OBEY THE SCRIPT!Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
You will have a job to catch him  
He's the one you should arrest  
No more bourgeois when you scratch him **What's 'bourgeois'?

But where's the gentleman gone?

Bubblewrap- A person whose attitudes and behavior are marked by conformity to the standards and conventions of the middle class. (American Heritage Dictionary)

**  
Tha****n that brand upon his chest!**_The constables search for Valjean._Neville (As Javert)-**  
Could it be he's some old jailbird  
That the tide now washes in  
Heard my name and started running **Because Neville is such a scary name.

Malfoy- No, it's not.

Bubblewrap- I think the name they're referring to is Javert.

Neville- Oh.

**  
Had the brand upon his skin  
And the girl who stood beside him  
When I turned they both had gone **Probably saw a spider**  
Could he be the man I've hunted?  
Could it be he's Jean Valjean?**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
In the absence of a victim,  
Dear Inspector, may I go?  
And remember when you've nicked him, **He's going to steal Harry?**  
It was me who told you so!**Neville (As Javert)-**  
Let the old man keep on running  
I will run him off his feet!**Well, that line was fun…

Everyone about your business  
Clear this garbage off the street!

Bubblewrap- Neville, your solo!

Neville- I don't want a solo!

Bubblewrap- Too bad; you have two.

Neveille- TWO solos?

Bubblewrap- Yes.

Neville- No!

Bubblewrap- Yes!

Neville- No!

Bubblewrap- Well, we could keep saying Yes! No! for a long time, but that would get boring, and my fingers would get sore from typing it, so instead, you're just going to sing your solo. And when we get to your other solo, you're going to sing that, too. Got it?

Neville- I guess…

Bubblewrap- Good!

Neville- I DON'T WANT A SOLO!

Bubblewrap- Don't make me smack you.

Harry- Can I go shove Ron's head down the toilet?

Hermione- Can I go too?

Bubblewrap- Bit busy, here!

Ron- Oh, please?

Bubblewrap- Ugh, fine! Neville, get on stage!

Neville (As Javert)-

**There, out in the darkness  
A fugitive running **Into the bathroom**  
Fallen from grace  
Fallen from grace **I thought I was the one who was ungraceful and cluttzy.**  
God be my witness  
I never shall yield  
Till we come face to face  
Till we come face to face  
He knows his way in the dark  
Mine is the way of the Lord **The end of the last line was 'dark' and the end of this line is 'lord'

Malfoy-_Sarcastically_ Harry is the dark lord in disguise!

Cho- Oh no! Why didn't anyone tell me!?

**  
And those who follow the path of the righteous  
Shall have their reward **1,000 galleons**  
And if they fall  
As Lucifer fell  
The flame  
The sword!  
Stars **Someone stuck glow in the dark stars on the ceiling?**  
In your multitudes **There's only about ten.**  
Scarce to be counted **one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! Ooh, and a sneaky eleven!**  
Filling the darkness  
With order and light  
You are the sentinels  
Silent and sure **Not at all indecisive.**  
Keeping watch in the night  
Keeping watch in the night  
You know your place in the sky **Or on the ceiling…**  
You hold your course and your aim  
And each in your season  
Returns and returns** Like old sit-coms on re-run.**  
And is always the same **Like the comercials they show during old sit-coms on re-run.**  
And if you fall as Lucifer fell  
You fall in flame!  
And so it has been and so it is written **In this song**  
On the doorway to paradise  
That those who falter and those who fall  
Must pay the price!  
Lord let me find him  
That I may see him  
Safe behind bars!  
I will never rest  
Till then **Unless it's night time.**  
This I swear  
This I swear by the stars!**Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
That inspector thinks he's something  
But it's me who runs this town!  
And my theater never closes **Except for sometimes; like Christmas and New Year**  
And the curtain's never down **Actually, we don't have a curtain.**  
Trust Gavroche, have no fear  
Don't you worry, auntie dear,  
You can always find me here!**

Draco- You might want to talk to them?

Bubblewrap- Who?

Draco- Well, all of them.

Bubblewrap-… Why?

Draco- They've become convinced Harry Potter is the Dark Lord.

Bubblewrap- _Thwacks him on the head_ Well, good job for suggesting it!

Draco- Was that sarcasm?

Bubblewrap- Oh, yea.

Draco- Anyway, everyone except the golden trio is convinced that he's evil.

Bubblewrap- And you and me.

Draco- I was trying to avoid putting myself in the same sentence as you.

Bubblewrap- I think I'll go talk to them now.

Draco- Smart.

Bubblewrap- ATTENTION EVEYONE! HARRY POTTER IS NOT THE DARK LORD!

Harry- _Re-emerging from the bathroom_ Wait, what?

Cho- Ah, it's the Dark Lord!

Everyone except the Golden Trio, Malfoy, and Bubblewrap- AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bubblewrap- Oh, no…

Harry- _Scared_ What are we going to do?

Bubblewrap- We're going to call the one person who can possibly fix this.

Malfoy- Don't say—

Bubblewrap- My cousin, Chloe!

Malfoy- I told you not to say that!

Bubblewrap- Thanks for coming.

Chloe- Your welcome. What's the problem this time?

Bubblewrap- Malfoy convinced everyone that Harry is the Dark Lord in disguise.

Cho- Eek!

Malfoy- Well, thanks for blaming me.

Bubblewrap- It was your fault.

Chloe- I see your dilemma. Ok everybody… GET YOUR FREAKIN' FREAKED OUT BUTTS OUT HERE!!

Bubblewrap- I thought reacting in an overly violent fashion was my job?

Chloe- Hey, I have to have a turn sometimes.

Bubblewrap- Well, what are we going to do about this rumor?

Cho- It's not rumor, it's truth!

Neville- Burn the witch!

Harry- Neville, I'm a guy!

Malfoy- So you admit you're the Dark Lord?

Bubblewrap- Malfoy! Don't encourage them!

Malfoy- So now I'm supposed to stand up for my enemy?

Cho- He's not just your enemy, he's the world's enemy!

Chloe- Of course he is, Cho.

Neville- Even she admits it!

Bubblewrap- Sarcasm, dude.

Neville- BURN THE WITCH!!

Fred- I know!

Bubblewrap- Where did you come from?

Fred- We have to turn Harry into a girl!

Bubblewrap- Why?

Fred- _Says a random spell_

Harry- _In a high voice _Oh, crap!

Neville- Now we can burn the witch!

_Harry is tied up and lifted in the air._

Chloe- Everybody FREEZE!

_Everybody drops Harry all at once._

Chloe- _sighs_ Okay… Fred turn Harry back into his proper gender.

Ron- You don't hear that everyday…

Fred- Who's up for some doughnuts?

Chloe- Ooh, me!

_While Chloe is enjoying several doughnuts, Harry manages to untie himself. He walks over to the doughnuts._

Everybody- EEEE! Dark Lord!

_They run away_

Harry- What did I do? I just wanted a doughnut…

Bubblewrap- _Sighs_ I try to put on a nice musical, and what do I get for my trouble?

Chloe- Um… chaos, confusion, and identity crisises?

Bubblewrap- You know, we should do something to make everyone calm down. How about we all go out to dinner (At Sweet Tomatoes, the best resteraunt in the world)?

Chloe- Sounds good. But we'll have to get everyone into a state of not-murderous… I have an idea!

Bubblewrap- Why do I get the feeling that I won't like this?

_30 minutes later_

Chloe- Okay, just breath deeply, clear your mind of everything…

Malfoy- Is this some kind of brainwash ritual or something?

Chloe- No! Just shut up and clear your mind!

Ron- Somebody's cranky…

Chloe- Now press play on your MP3 players. Now let the Jonas Brothers drive out all your bad feelings towards Harry.

Bubblewrap- _Watching from a Jonas Brother free area several meters away_… Why are the MP3s working in Hogwarts anyway?

Neville- They're not, we're just pretending so she doesn't go crazy again.

Bubblewrap- Okay. Let's go eat dinner!

_An hour later, at sweet Tomatoes_

Bubblewrap- 13 adults and two nine year olds.

Cashier- _Staring at the strange wizard dress_ O…kay… That'll be 142.78—

Malfoy- What?

Ron- This is a conspiracy! An overpriced conspiracy! A crime!

Harry- _Still a girl _Let's bust this popsicle stand!

Bubblewrap- Actually, that's really cheap to feed 15 people. Anyway, you are all going to sit down in your assigned seats, and eat your meals, and then we can 'bust this popsicle stand'.

Harry- Fine!

Bubblewrap- Okay, Dennis, Collin, Young Luna, and Young Cho sit there.

Dennis- …

Bubblewrap- Cedric, Cho, Ron, and Hermione sit here.

Ron- Can we have a booth?

Bubblewrap- Sure, why not? Neville, Ginny, Malfoy, and Luna sit here.

Malfoy- Loony Lovegood? No!

Bubblewrap- Yes. And Chloe, Harry, and I will sit here.

Chloe- Actually, I have to leave.

Bubblewrap- In that case Harry can sit with Neville, Ginny, Malfoy, and Luna, and I'll just walk around making sure no one commits murder.

_At Dennis, Collin, Young Luna, and Young Cho's table, referred to herafter as table number one._

Young Cho- I like this place.

Dennis- Er, maybe you should have something other than brownies and cookies…?

Young Cho- _Brightly_ You're right! I should go get some ice cream!

Dennis- No, I meant, like salad, or something healthy.

Young Cho- Don't say the health word to me!

Young Luna- _To Dennis_ Don't worry, she's just got a Bubbling Humdinger flying around her head; she'll be fine.

Collin-…

Dennis- _To his brother_ I told you she was weird!

_At Cedric, Cho, Ron, and Hermione's table, referred to herafter as table number two._

Cedric- Hey Cho, when did you outgrow your obsession of… _He glances at table number one_ all things sugary?

Cho- Like, probably when I started being all obsessed with make-up! I've got all this wonderfull beuty, why let it go to waste?

Cedric- How about your brain?

Cho- What?

Cedric- Well, you're in Ravenclaw… maybe… at least I thought you had something going on… in here… _He points to his head._

Cho- Nope. Nothing there.

Cedric- _Quietly_ Obviously.

Bubblewrap- Hello table number two! Oh… _Catches sight of Ron and Hermione, who have gone back to snogging._ That's… unpleasant… I think I'll just move on to another table. _Runs away_

_At Neville, Ginny, Malfoy, Harry, and Luna's table, referred to herafter as table number three._

Neville- So Harry, what's it feel like to be… you know… _Quietly_ a girl?

Harry- _Glaring_ Shut up, Neville.

Malfoy- _Obviously enjoying this_ We should give you a girl's name.

Ginny- Yea!

Harry- No!

Luna- How about 'Henrietta'?

Harry- No!

Ginny- Yes, that's a good name. And Ettie for a nickname.

Malfoy- _Laughs_

Bubblewrap- Hello table number three! How are things going here?

Ginny- We renamed Harry 'Ettie'.

Bubblewrap- Cool.

Harry (No, sorry, Ettie)- Can you turn me back into a guy?

Bubblewrap- No.

Ettie- What?!

Bubblewrap- This is amusing.

Ettie- No it's not!

Malfoy- Yes. It is.

Ginny- I agree with Malfoy. Just this once.

Ettie- Come on! Please?

Bubblewrap- You can be a guy again next time you have to sing, okay?

Ettie- Really?

Bubblewrap- Why would I lie about that?

Ettie- To be mean.

Bubblewrap- True. But I'm not lying, so…

Ettie- Right… _Standing up on the table and shouting_ Let's get back to the room of requirement, everyone!

Cho- Why?

Ettie- Because…

Bubblewrap- Because security is coming! _Sure enough, some security people have popped out of nowhere and are clearly less than pleased with Ettie's table climbing antics._

Ron- Let's go!


	9. Chapter 9

**Act 9- In Which Everyone is Tired, Harry Complains, and the Shrieking Shack is Remodeled.**

Bubblewrap- Next song is 'Eponine's errand'!

Cho- I get a solo?!

Bubblewrap- No.

Cho- But… I'm playing Eponine. And the song is Eponine's errand.

Bubblewrap- But Marius is in there.

Malfoy- That's okay. She can have the song all to herself if she wants it.

Bubblewrap- No, she can't, because then half the plot goes down the drain. Now start.

_Eponine is alone in the square_

Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Cosette! Now I remember! **Someone mentioned her… a couple times, right?**  
Cosette! How can it be?  
We were children together  
Look what's become of me... **Hey! I'm much better than this 'Cosette' kid!_Marius returns_

Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Good God! Ooh, what a rumpus! **Rumpus?

Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
That girl, who can she be? **Marius is deaf as well. Didn't he hear Eponine talking to herself?Cho (As Eponine)-**  
That cop! He'd like to jump us  
But he ain't smart, not he. **No kidding.

Neville- Hey!

Malfoy (As Marius)-  
**Eponine, who was that girl? **Still being deaf…

Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Some bourgeois two-a-penny thing!**

Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Eponine, find her for me! **She's over there_Points to Luna, who is off-stage talking to a nervous-looking Dennis_

Cho (As Eponine)-**  
What will you give me? **Now I'm starting to like this song…Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Anything!**

Cho- Oh, good!Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Got you all excited now,  
But God knows what you see in her **It's just Loony Lovegood**  
Ain't you all delighted now**_She refuses Marius' money_Wait, why not?!Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Eponine! Do this for me...  
Discover where she lives  
But careful how you go **I visited her house once; it's a death trap. Exploding stuff, crazy people…**  
Don't let your father know **He's one of the crazy people.**  
'Ponine! I'm lost until she's found!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
You see, I told you so!  
There's lots of things I know**_Marius leaves_

No, I don't want your money sir...

'Ponine... she knows her way around!

Ettie- Can I be a boy again?

Bubblewrap- Are you in the next song?

Ettie- No…

Bubblewrap- Then you'll have to wait.

Ettie-… I waited.

Bubblewrap- Not long enough! Enjolras, students, etc.

_The ABC Cafe, where the students, led by Enjolras, meet to discuss their revolutionary plans_Combeferre-**  
At Notre Dame  
****The sections are prepared!**

Feuilly-**  
At rue de Bac  
****They're straining at the leash!**

Courfreyrac-**  
Students, workers, everyone  
There's a river on the run  
Like the flowing of the tide  
Paris coming to our side!**

Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
The time is near **What time?

Ettie- Actually, it is getting pretty late.

Malfoy- I need at least seven hours of sleep each night, or I wake up cranky.

Bubblewrap- You? Cranky? Perish the thought! Besides, it's only 9 PM. We'll finish this song and then we can take a break until tomorrow morning.

Ettie- So I don't get turned back into a boy until tomorrow?!

Bubblewrap- Hey, blame your friends, they're the lazy people who wanted a break.

**  
So near it's stirring the blood in their veins!  
And yet beware **of dogs.**  
Don't let the wine go to your brains!**

Ron- I thought we only had pumpkin juice?

****

For the army we fight is a dangerous foe  
With the men and the arms that we never can match  
It is easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies  
But the national guard will be harder to catch.  
We need a sign  
To rally the people  
To call them to arms  
To bring them in line!

_Marius enters_Joly-**  
What's wrong today?  
You look as if you've seen a ghost.**

Collin (As Grantaire)-**  
Some wine and say what's going on! **

Marius, you're late.

Malfoy- I don't like wine, but I'll take some fire-whiskey.

Bubblewrap- You'll have neither. Sing your part!

Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
A ghost you say... a ghost maybe  
She was just like a ghost to me  
One minute there, and she was gone!**

Collin (As Grantaire)-**  
I am agog!  
I am aghast!  
Is Marius in love at last? **Malfoy and Luna, sitting in a tree…**  
I've never heard him ooh' and aah'**

Malfoy- And you never will.

**You talk of battles to be won  
And here he comes like Don Ju-an  
It's better than an o-per-a!**

Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
It is time for us all **To go to bed…

Bubblewrap- It's not that late.

Malfoy- We just want to get out of here.

**To decide who we are **No, Neville, you cannot be Javert.**  
Do we fight for the right **Or the left?**  
To a night at the opera now?  
Have you asked of yourselves  
What's the price you might pay?  
Is it simply a game **Like Quidditch or Gobstones**  
For rich young boys to play?  
The color of the world  
Is changing day by day...  
Red - the blood of angry men! **And sad men. And women, and children, and house elves!**  
Black - the dark of ages past!  
Red - a world about to dawn!  
Black - the night that ends at last!**

Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Had you been there tonight  
You might know how it feels  
To be struck to the bone  
In a moment of breathless delight!  
Had you been there tonight  
You might also have known  
How the world may be changed  
In just one burst of light!  
And what was right seems wrong  
And what was wrong seems right!  
**

Malfoy- Was that a song or an exercise in lameness?

Bubblewrap- Yea, Marius is rather corny. And the lamest character in here…

Malfoy- Which is probably why you gave me this part.

Bubblewrap- Oh yea.

Collin (As Grantaire)-**  
Red...**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
I feel my soul on fire! **What?

Collin (As Grantaire)-**  
Black...**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
My world if she's not there!**All-**  
Red...**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
The color of desire! **The color of stupid Gryffindors.

All-**  
Black...**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
The color of despair!**

Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Marius, you're no longer a child **Although you do act like one.**  
I do not doubt you mean it well  
But now there is a higher call.  
Who cares about your lonely soul?**

Malfoy- Hey!

Bubblewrap- _Laughs _It's funny because it's so accurate.

**We strive toward a larger goal  
Our little lives don't count at all!**

All-**  
Red - the blood of angry men!  
Black - the dark of ages past!  
Red - a world about to dawn!  
Black - the night that ends at last!**

Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Well, Courfeyrac, do we have all the guns?  
Feuilly, Combeferre, our time is running short.  
Grantaire, put the bottle down! **This Grantaire, is he supposed to be a drunkard?

Collin- Yes.

Bubblewrap- He doesn't care about the revolution, really. He got so drunk the day of the barricades that he slept through the whole thing, then woke up and some soldiers shot him.

**Do we have the guns we need?**

Collin (As Grantaire)-**  
Give me brandy on my breath  
And I'll breathe them all to death!**

Courfreyrac-**  
In St. Antoine they're with us to a man!**

Combeferre-**  
In Notre Dame they're tearing up the stones!**Feuilly-**  
Twenty rifles good as new!**_Gavroche rushes in shouting_

Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
Listen!**

Joly-**  
Twenty rounds for every man!**

Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
Listen to me! **I feel rather invisible.

Jean Prouvaire-**  
Double that in Port St. Cloud!**

Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
Listen everybody! **Invisible and unloved…

Lesgles-**  
Seven guns in St. Martin!**

Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
General Lamarque is dead! **There! That should get their attention!

Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Lamarque is dead.  
Lamarque! His death is the hour of fate.  
The people's man.  
His death is the sign we await! **I thought we liked Lamarque. Why is his death so good?

Bubblewrap- Because on his funeral day, they will honor his name. It's a rallying cry that will reach every ear.

Cedric- Really?

Bubblewrap- Yea.

**  
On his funeral day they will honor his name.  
It's a rallying cry that will reach every ear! **Ah… But what does that mean?

Bubblewrap- It means that during Lamarque's funeral, they're going to start a riot and build some barricades.

**  
In the death of Lamarque we will kindle the flame  
They will see that the day of salvation is near!  
The time is near! **This guy sings about time a lot. Lamarque's death is the 'hour' of fate; it is 'time' for us all…**  
Let us welcome it gladly with courage and cheer  
Let us take to the streets with no doubt in our hearts  
But a jubilant shout  
They will come one and all  
They will come when we call!**

Bubblewrap- Okay, now we can take a break and go to bed.

Ettie- C'mon, can't we just do _Quickly examines script_ two more songs?

Bubblewrap- Two songs more?

Ettie- Yes!

Bubblewrap- No.

Ettie- Why?!

Bubblewrap- We've been over this. Your friends are lazy and they don't want to sing any more.

Malfoy- Also, I enjoy seeing your pain.

Ettie- Can we turn him into a girl?

Bubblewrap- Eh, maybe later.

Malfoy- What?!

Bubblewrap- Anyway, guess what?

Malfoy- Is this going to be one of those things we wish you hadn't told us?

Bubblewrap- Probably. See, Dumbledore got into a home decorating phase this summer—

Ron- That's a sentence I certainly never expected to hear.

Bubblewrap- Yes. Well, anyway, he redecorated the Shrieking Shack on the inside, and he wants us to see if it's comftorable and stuff.

Malfoy- So we have to spend the night in the shrieking shack?

Bubblewrap- Yep!

Ron- But that place is all decrepit and run down and smelly and stuff!

Hermione- _Impressed_ Wow… you know the word decrepit?

Ron- … Maybe…

Bubblewrap- Well, the point is that yes we are going to spend the night in the shrieking shack, and as long as Dumbledore's taste in paint and furniture is better than his taste in clothes, it shouldn't be too bad.

_Later, at the shrieking shack._

Ettie- … Wow… This place is amazing.

Malfoy- I have to hand it to the nutter. He sure can paint.

Bubblewrap- Alright, once you've all picked your jaws off the floor, I'll tell you where you're sleeping.

Malfoy- Can't we decide for ourselves?

Bubblewrap- No, becaues there's only a limited amount of beds, and I don't want anyone getting hexed over them.

_The Shrieking Shack has two levels. The first level has one of those indoor swimming pool things, and a well stocked snack bar. Upstairs, there are two bathrooms and two bedrooms. Each bedroom has two sets of bunk beds. The first bedroom also has two sleeping bags, and the second one has four._

Bubblewrap- So, all the guys will be sleeping in the first bedroom, and all us girls will be sleeping in the second bedroom.

Hermione- Where are the extras sleeping? You know, all those unnamed people who play innkeepers and constables and stuff.

Bubblewrap- In the swimming pool.

Hermione- What?!

Bubblewrap- _Laughs_ Kidding! They're staying in their boring dorms back in the castle.

Hermione- _Looks angry_.


	10. Chapter 10

**Act 10- In Which Marco Polo is Played, Truth or Daring Occurs, and Young Cho Ruins all the Fun.**

Ettie- Why am I staying with the girls again?

Bubblewrap- Because you are a girl. And I'm not putting a girl in the same room as a bunch of fourteen year old boys, even if she can take care of herself.

Ettie- Fine.

Bubblewrap- Good.

Ginny- Let's go swimming.

Hermione- That would be fun.

Cho- We wouldn't want to waste that pool that's just sitting there…

Bubblewrap- I thought you were all 'tired'?

Cho- No, we just didn't want to keep performing.

Bubblewrap- Ah… I see. Well, don't expect that to work again. _Thoughtfully_ But swimming does sound fun.

Luna- What about swimming suits?

Bubblewrap- _Points to some drawers_ Those are magically connected to your trunks back in the castle. I assume you all have things for going in the lake and stuff…?

Hermione- Of course.

Ettie- Er… what about me?

Bubblewrap- We can transfigure yours so they're more appropriate.

Ettie- Okay then…

_Later at the pool_

Cho- Let's play Marco Polo!

Malfoy- Why?

Cho- Because that's what you do in pools. You do random things that you wouldn't usually do.

Ginny- Sounds like fun.

Hermione- Sure…

Ron- I call I'm not it! _Everyone says not it except for Ettie, who is therefore stuck as 'it'_

Ettie- _With her eyes closed_ Marco!

About half of the other people playing- Polo!

Ron- Hello, Malfoy-Who-Is-Standing-Right-Next-To-Ettie-And-Cheating-By-Not-Saying-Polo!

Ettie- Got you!

Malfoy- Thanks, Weasly.

Ron- _Cheerfully_ Anytime!

Malfoy- _With his eyes closed_ Marco!

Everyone- _Moving towards the edge of the pool_ Polo!

Malfoy- Marco!

Everyone- _Climbing out of the pool_ Polo!

Malfoy- Marco!

Everyone- _Running up the stairs_ Polo!

Malfoy- Marco!

_Silence_

Malfoy- Marco! _He opens his eyes and realizes that he's been abandoned. _What…?

_Back upstairs, half an hour or so later_

Ron- Do you think we should unlock the door at the top of the stairs so Malfoy can come up here and get dressed and stuff?

Neville- Probably. But we won't, because what's the fun in that?

Collin- No fun at all!

_In the girl's room_

Cho- What should we do now?

Ginny- How about truth or dare?

Luna- Ooh, yes!

Ettie- Can I go first?

Hermione- Sure, why not?

Ettie- Okay… _To Bubblewrap_ Truth or dare?

Bubblewrap- Truth.

Ettie- Darn, I was hoping I could dare you to turn me back into a boy… Uh…

Bubblewrap- I already told you I was going to when you have to sing.

Ettie- Really?

Bubblewrap- Yes. And that counted, by the way. _To Ginny_ Truth or dare?

Ginny- Dare.

Bubblewrap- I dare you to go downstairs and profess undying love for Malfoy.

Ginny- What?

Bubblewrap- I dare you to—

Ginny- I got that part!

Hermione- Well, go do it!

Ginny- _Leaves the room. She comes back upstairs a couple minutes later, blushing furiously_ Truth or dare?

Ettie- Dare!

Ginny- I dare you to let Cho choose your clothes tomorrow. If she wants to, of course.

Cho- Of course I want to! You'll look so pretty!

Ron- _From the doorway_ Who's going to look pretty?

Young Cho- Ettie!

Ron- Alright then… I just wanted to ask why you had to let Malfoy upstairs.

Ginny- _Blushes furiously_ He kind of ran away after I made out with him.

Bubblewrap- I thought you were just going to tell him you loved him?

Ron- I… don't think I'm even going to ask.

Ginny- Thank you.

Ron- Hey, are you playing truth or dare?

Bubblewrap- Yea, you want to join?

Ron- Of course! Let me go get the other guys!

_A few minutes later_

Bubblewrap- So, whose turn was it?

Ettie- Mine. _To Malfoy_ Truth or dare?

Malfoy- Dare!

Ettie- I dare you to let Fred turn you into a girl tomorrow.

Malfoy- No!

Ettie- You have to. It's a dare.

Malfoy- But… I'm in a whole bunch of songs… right?

Bubblewrap- Well, yes, but you're not in 'The Final Battle', 'The Sewers', 'Dog Eats Dog', 'Javert's Suicide', or 'Turning' so we could do it then…

Malfoy- I thought you said I get carried through the sewers.

Bubblewrap- Well, yes, but you don't have lines, so it doesn't really matter if you're a guy or a girl.

Malfoy- But—

Bubblewrap- Now that's settled, you can truth or dare somebody else.

Malfoy- Fine. _To Cho_ Truth or Dare?

Cho- _Being a wimp_ Truth.

Malfoy- Why did the sorting hat put you in Ravenclaw?

Cedric- Good question…

Cho- _Thinking back to her sorting_ He said… The Slytherins would 'eat me alive' whatever that means. I don't think the Slytherins are cannibals—

Hermione- It's an expression.

Cho- Really? Well he also said I wasn't brave and I wasn't loyal…

Malfoy- Well you're certainly not smart, either.

Cho- Exactly. He said that this way the rest of my house could help me when I had trouble.

Malfoy- That actually makes sense.

Ettie- Guess the sorting hat knows what it's talking about after all.

Cho- _To Young Luna_ Truth or dare?

Young Luna- Truth.

Cho- Do you actually believe in all those creatures you talk about all the time?

Young Luna- Of course. _To young Cho_ Truth or dare?

Young Cho- Dare!

Young Luna- Er… Lick the floor.

Young Cho- _Looks at Luna funny, but does_. Hermione, truth or dare?

Hermione- Dare…?

Young Cho- Get me some chocolate!

Hermione- Alright _She goes downstairs and gets some candy from the snack bar._

Young Cho- Yum!

_Long pause_

Hermione- Uh, you're supposed to truth or dare someone else now.

Young Cho- That's okay. I'm fine.

Bubblewrap- Well, that kind of ruins the game. _People start leaving to get into beds or sleeping bags. Young Cho stays with her chocolates_.


	11. Chapter 11

**Act 11- In Which Ettie Becomes Harry Again, Luna Finally Gets to Sing, and One Day More Officially Ends Part One of the Play!**

Bubblewrap- GET UP PEOPLE!

Ettie- Ah! Why are you yelling into a bullhorn?!

Bubblewrap- Because I've been trying to wake you guys up for half an hour, without success.

Ginny- Fine, we're up now! Let's go!

Cho- I still have to dress Ettie…

Ettie- Oh no.

_Later, in the room of requirement. You're going to have to imagine what Ettie is wearing, because clothes descriptions are usually boring. Just think lace, pink, and skirt, and you should be fine._

Ettie- Can you turn me into a boy now?

Bubblewrap- No, you have to wait until we finish 'Do you hear the people sing?'

Ettie- Then let's hurry up and get started!

Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Do you hear the people sing? **I hope so, or you're deaf**  
Singing the song of angry men? **And women, and children, and house elves.**  
It is the music of a people  
Who will not be slaves again! **When were they slaves in the first place?

Bubblewrap- Metaphorically speaking.

**When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!**Combeferre-**  
Will you join in our crusade?  
Who will be strong and stand with me?  
Beyond the barricade  
Is there a world you long to see?  
**

Courfreyrac-**  
Then join in the fight  
That will give you the right to be free!**All-**  
Do you hear the people sing?  
Singing a song of angry men?  
It is the music of a people  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!**

Ron- Didn't Cedric already say that?

Bubblewrap- Yes. It's called a refrain, Ron. That means it happens more than once.Feuilly-**  
Will you give all you can give**

Malfoy- I prefer taking, actually.

**So that our banner may advance  
Some will fall and some will live  
Will you stand up and take your chance?  
The blood of the martyrs  
Will water the meadows of France!  
**  
Hermione- Very optimistic…

All-**  
Do you hear the people sing?  
Singing a song of angry men?  
It is the music of a people  
Who will not be slaves again!  
When the beating of your heart  
Echoes the beating of the drums  
There is a life about to start  
When tomorrow comes!**

Ron- They sang it again!

Bubblewrap- It's a refrain.

Ron- No! They're out to control my mind!

Bubblewrap- Sure.. let's just go with that.

Ettie- Can I please be a boy now?

Bubblewrap- Yes. Fred, since you did the spell in the first place, you have to undo it.

Fred- _Says a random spell_

Harry- I'm back to normal!

Malfoy- Oh, crap.

Harry- And you have to be a girl later, so HA!

Malfoy- Shut up, Potter.

Bubblewrap- ANYWAY, we're going to start 'Rue Plumet/ In My Life' now. This song is really lame, so whatever.

Luna- I get to sing now?

Bubblewrap- Yea.

Malfoy- We finally get to meet the infamous character of Cosette.

_Cosette stands in her garden on Rue Plumet_Luna (As Cosette)-**  
How strange  
This feeling that my life's begun at last **My lines have begun at last…**  
This change, **Harry is a boy again**  
Can people really fall in love so fast?  
What's the matter with you, Cosette?  
Have you been too much on your own? **She certainly hasn't been with any of the other characters**  
So many things unclear  
So many things unknown.  
In my life **People tease me a lot**  
There are so many questions and answers  
That somehow seem wrong  
In my life **People steal my things**  
There are times when I catch in the silence  
The sigh of a faraway song **The song of the Nargles.**  
And it sings **Like a tuba stuck in a toilet.

Malfoy- What?

**Of a world that I long to see  
Out of reach  
Just a whisper away  
Waiting for me.  
Does he know I'm alive?  
Do I know if he's real? **He could be a—

Malfoy- Don't even say what I 'could be'

**Does he see what I saw?  
Does he feel what I feel?  
In my life  
I'm no longer alone  
Now the love in my life  
Is so near**

**Find me now, find me here!**

Malfoy- Keep looking.Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Dear Cosette,  
You're such a lonely child **I'm very sorry you don't hae any friends**  
How pensive, how sad you seem to me  
Believe me, were it within my power  
I'd fill each passing hour **With cotton candy!

Young Cho- Candy!

Bubblewrap- No more candy comments!

**How quiet it must be, I can see  
With only me for company.**

Luna (As Cosette)-**  
There's so little I know **But I know it's never quiet with the Harry Potter around.**  
That I'm longing to know  
Of the child that I was  
In a time long ago...**

Young Luna- Hello! Right here!

**There's so little you say  
Of the life you have known  
Why you keep to yourself  
Why we're always alone  
So dark! So dark and deep... **Dark… Dark Lo—

Bubblewrap- Don't you dare start that again!

**The secrets that you keep!  
In my life  
I have all that I want  
You are loving and gentle and good  
But Papa, dear Papa,  
In your eyes I am just like a child  
Who is lost in a wood**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
No more words  
No more words. It's a time that is dead **How does one go about killing time?**  
There are words  
That are better unheard,  
Better unsaid.**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
In my life **I wonder why Cosette says 'in my life' so much.**  
I'm no longer a child and I yearn  
For the truth that you know  
Of the years... years ago!**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
You will learn  
Truth is given by God  
To us all in our time  
In our turn **Reading between the lines Valjean doesn't like Cosette and he wants her to be eaten by crocodiles.

Bubblewrap- How on Earth did you reach that conclusion?_Valjean leaves the garden. Marius and Eponine arrive outside_Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
In my life **I'm going to be turned into a girl…**  
She has burst like the music of angels  
The light of the sun  
And my life seems to stop **As if I've died**  
As if something is over **My dignity.**  
And something has scarcely begun.  
Eponine  
You're the friend who has brought me here  
Thanks to you I am one with the gods  
And Heaven is near!  
And I soar through a world that is new that is free **More lameness…Cho (As Eponine)-_to herself_**  
Every word that he says is a dagger in me! **I don't really have to stick a dagger in myself, do I?

Bubblewrap- Of course not.

**  
In my life  
There's been no one like him anywhere  
Anywhere, where he is...  
If he asked... I'd be his **No way.Malfoy (As Marius) and Cho (As Eponine)-**  
In my life  
There is someone who touches my life**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Waiting near**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Waiting here**

Bubblewrap- Now you get to sing the equally lame 'A heart full of love'!

Malfoy- Joy of joys.

_Marius goes into the garden, leaving Eponine outside the gate_Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
A heart full of love  
A heart full of song  
I'm doing everything all wrong  
Oh God, for shame  
I do not even know your name  
Dear Mad'moiselle  
Won't you say?  
Will you tell?**

Malfoy- _Twitches from the fluffy verse_Luna (As Cosette)-**  
A heart full of love  
No fear, no regret**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
My name is Marius Pontmercy **No it's not, no it's not…Luna (As Cosette)-**  
And mine's Cosette **Hello Marius…Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Cosette, I don't know what to say **I could say shut up, but it wouldn't work.Luna (As Cosette)-

**Then make no sound**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
I am lost **I'm losing my mind.Luna (As Cosette)-**  
I am found! **I found it!Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
A heart full of light**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
A night bright as day**Malfoy (As Marius)-

**And you must never go away **Please, please do!**  
Cosette, Cosette!**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
This is a chain we'll never break**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Do I dream? **I hope so.Luna (As Cosette)-**  
I'm awake!**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
A heart full of love**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
A heart full of you**

Malfoy- _Gags_Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
A single look and then I knew **You were a weird-oLuna (As Cosette)-**  
I knew it too**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
From today**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
Every day**Luna (As Cosette) and Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
For it isn't a dream  
Not a dream after all.**Cho (As Eponine)-_Interjecting_**  
He was never mine to lose **Because I didn't want him.**  
Why regret what cannot be?  
These are words he'll never say **Good.**  
Not to me...  
Not to me...  
Not to me...  
His heart full of love **Is not actually full of love.**  
He will never feel this way...**_Marius and Cosette move away as Montparnasse enters furtively_

Cho (As Eponine)-**  
'Parnasse, what are you doing  
So far out of our patch? **Like a patchwork quilt?Montparnasse-**  
This house, we're going to do it  
Rich man, plenty of scratch  
You remember he's the one  
Who got away the other day**

Cho- No, I don't remember.

Bubblewrap- During 'Javert's intervention'.

Cho- Huh…?

**  
Got a number on his chest  
Perhaps a fortune put away!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Oh Lord, somebody help me!  
Dear God, what'll I do?  
He'll think this is an ambush  
He'll think I'm in it too! **Who cares?**  
What'll I do, what'll I say?  
I've got to warn them here  
I've got to find a way.**_Thenardier arrives with the rest of his gang_

Ron- I get to have a gang again! Hoo-ray!Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
This is his lair **Like an evil villain's lair!**  
I've seen the old fox around **Hey Harry! You're a fox!

Harry- What?

Bubblewrap- My last name means fox in some language or another…

**  
He keeps himself to himself  
He's staying close to the ground  
I smell profit here!  
Ten years ago  
He came and paid for Cosette **For anyone who cares, it's only nine years.**  
I let her go for a song **La di da…**  
It's time we settled the debt  
This'll cost him dear!**Brujon-**  
What do I care  
Who you should rob?  
Gimme me my share  
Finish the job!**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
You shut your mouth  
Give me your hand **

**  
**Brujon-**  
**_catching sight of Eponine_**  
What have we here?**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
**_not recognizing her_**  
Who is this hussy?**

Cho- Hey!Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Eponine, get on home  
You're not needed in this  
We're enough here without you**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
I know this house  
I tell you there's nothing here for you **Although you got probably hold Malfoy for ransom**  
Just the old man and the girl  
They live ordinary lives **Not really…Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Don't interfere  
You've got some gall **Hey, this line was in Fantine's arrest!

BABET  
It's your brat Eponine  
Don't you know your own kid  
Why's she hanging about you?

Hermione- You were paying attention?

Ron- I paid attention to all the songs you were in!

Malfoy- I thought you were getting your head shoved down the toilet during that song?

Ron- Oh yea! We should do that again sometime…

**  
Take care, young miss,  
You've got a lot to say!**Brujon-**  
She's going soft**Claquesous-**  
Happens to all**Montparnasse-**  
Go home, 'Ponine,  
Go home, you're in the way**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna warn them here.**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
One little scream and you'll regret it **

**For a year. **Or we might. Judging by how loud she screamed over that spider…Claquesous-**  
What a palaver  
What an absolute treat  
To watch a cat and its father  
Pick a bone in the street**Brujon-**  
Not a sound out of you!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Well I told you I'd do it, told you I'd do it...**_She screams_

Ron- I was right. That was really loud.Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
You wait my girl, you'll rue this night  
I'll make you scream, you'll scream all right **Oh no…**  
Leave her to me, don't wait around  
Make for the sewers, go underground!**_The gang scatters. Marius and Cosette run back into the garden and he hurriedly introduces Eponine before she takes off_Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
It was your cry sent them away  
Once more 'Ponine saving the day  
Dearest Cosette - my friend 'Ponine **Since when is she my friend?**  
Brought me to you, showed me the way!  
Someone is near  
Let's not be seen  
Somebody's here!**_Marius leaves quickly as Valjean enters_Harry (As Valjean)-**  
My God, Cosette!  
I heard a cry in the dark **It was scary and loud…**  
I heard the shout of angry voices in the street.**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
That was my cry you heard, Papa, **Actually it was Cho.**  
I was afraid of what they'd do.  
They ran away when they heard my cry.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Cosette, my child, what will become of you?**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
Three men I saw beyond the wall  
Three men in shadow moving fast**

Bubblewrap- The strange thing is that there were more than three members of the gang. There's five men plus Eponine, who is not a man.Harry (As Valjean)-**  
This is a warning to us all  
These are the shadows of the past  
Must be Javert! **Paranoid…**  
He's found my cover at last!  
I've got to get Cosette away  
Before they return!  
We must get away from shadows  
They will never let us be  
Tomorrow to Calais... **Which is a large city in France, apparently.**  
And then a ship across the sea!  
Hurry, Cosette, prepare to leave and say no more,  
Tomorrow we'll away!  
Hurry, Cosette, it's time to close another door  
And live another day! **Better than dying another day…

Bubblewrap- And now for a really fun song, 'One day more'!

Harry- Am I in this song?

Bubblewrap- Yep!

Ron- Am I?

Bubblewrap- Yep!

Cedric- How about me?

Bubblewrap- You're in it too.

Malfoy- Can I not be in it?

Bubblewrap- Sorry. Harry, Malfoy, Luna, Cho, Cedric, Neville, Ron, and Ginny are in this song. Plus I guess Collin is one of the rebel students, so he's in it too. Oh, and Dennis gets to wave a flag.

Hermione- So everyone except me, Young Luna, and Young Cho are in it.

Bubblewrap- I'm not in it either, but otherwise you're completely correct. Now get started. _To readers_ Also, you might want to listen to this song while you read this. You don't have to, but it's a really, really cool song and you definitely should.

Harry (As Valjean)-**  
One day more!  
Another day, another destiny.  
This never-ending road to Calvary; **Why is he talking about army horses?

Bubblewrap- Not Cavalry; Calvary. It's a biblical reference.

**  
These men who seem to know my crime  
Will surely come a second time.  
One day more!**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
I did not live until today. **Why not?**  
How can I live when we are parted? **Easily. Breathe in; breathe out.Harry (As Valjean)-**  
One day more.**Malfoy (As Marius)andLuna (As Cosette)-

**Tomorrow you'll be worlds away  
And yet with you, my world has started!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
One more day all on my own. **I've never felt so rejected in my life… At least I still have Cedric!

Cedric- Yea, about that… I'm breaking up with you.

Cho- What?! Why?!

Cedric- You're too self-absorbed.

Cho- I HATE YOU! SOB!

Bubblewrap- Not that this isn't interesting, but could you stow it until we're done with the song, please?**  
**

Cedric- Sorry.

**  
**Malfoy (As Marius)andLuna (As Cosette)-**  
Will we ever meet again?**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
One more day with him not caring. **NOBODY LOVES ME!Malfoy (As Marius) and Luna (As Cosette)-**  
I was born to be with you.**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
What a life I might have known. **IF SOMEBODY LOVED ME!Malfoy (As Marius) and Luna (As Cosette)-**  
And I swear I will be true!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
But he never saw me there! **BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
One more day before the storm! **I feel kind of bad, now…Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Do I follow where she goes? **Nope.Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
At the barricades of freedom.**Malfoy (As Marius)-

**Shall I join my brothers there? **And get myself shot? Nope.Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
When our ranks begin to form**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Do I stay; and do I dare? **No; no.Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Will you take your place with me? **

Cho- I'll take my place with you!

Cedric- Er… no thanks…Rebel students-**  
The time is now, **

**The day is here!**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
One day more!**Neville (As Javert)-**  
One more day to revolution,  
We will nip it in the bud!  
I will join these little schoolboys,  
They will wet themselves with blood! **Why?

Bubblewrap- Because Fred turned them into girls and it's their time of the month.

Neville- _Shocked_ Really?!

Bubblewrap- No, but you should have seen your face!Harry (As Valjean)-**  
One day more!**Ron (As Thénardier) and Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Watch 'em run amuck,  
Catch 'em as they fall,  
Never know your luck  
When there's a free for all,  
Here a little dip'  
There a little touch'  
Most of them are goners  
So they won't miss much!**Rebel Students (2 groups)-**  
**1**- One day to a new beginning**2**- Raise the flag of freedom high!**1**- Every man will be a king**2**- Every man will be a king**1**- There's a new world for the winning**2**- There's a new world to be won**All students-**  
Do you hear the people sing?**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
My place is here, I fight with you! **Crap! Stupid Marius character!Harry (As Valjean)-**  
One day more!**

Bubblewrap- At this point everyone starts singing at the same time, which is why you should definitely listen to it. I mean, really, absolutely, definitely.Malfoy (As Marius) and Luna (As Cosette)-**  
I did not live until today.**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
One more day all on my own! **WITH NOBODY LOVING ME!Malfoy (As Marius) and Luna (As Cosette)-**  
How can I live when we are parted?**Neville (As Javert)-_overlapping_**  
I will join these people's heros  
I will follow where they go **Let's play follow the leader!**  
I will learn their little Secrets, **I'll be their secret keeper!**  
I will know the things they know.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
One day more!**Malfoy (As Marius) and Luna (As Cosette)-**  
Tomorrow you'll be worlds away**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
What a life I might have known! **IF HE ONLY LOVED ME!Malfoy (As Marius) and Luna (As Cosette)-**  
And yet with you my world has started**Neville (As Javert)-_overlapping_**  
One more day to revolution  
We will nip it in the bud  
We'll be ready for these schoolboys**Ron (As Thénardier) and Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-_overlapping_**  
Watch 'em run amok  
Catch 'em as they fall  
Never know your luck  
When there's a free-for-all!**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Tomorrow we'll be far away,  
Tomorrow is the judgement day  
**

Harry (As Valjean) and Neville (As Javert)-

**Tomorrow is the judgment day.**

**  
**All-**  
Tomorrow we'll discover  
What our God in Heaven has in store!  
One more dawn  
One more day  
One day more!**

Bubblewrap- And… that's the end of act one!

Malfoy- Woo-hoo!

Luna- There's still a whole half of a play left?

Bubblewrap- Well, yes, but there's less songs in the second half. So it's shorter.

Malfoy- Woo-hoo!

Ron- Hey, I almost forgot about this thing…_Starts poking time hole which has been sitting, forgotten, in the corner. The time hole gets mad at him and grows bigger, swallowing everybody into it's time-travelly depths._

Malfoy- Where are we?

Bubblewrap- 1832.

Ron- That year seems familiar for some reason…

Hermione- _Thumps him on the head._ Les Misérables ring any bells, Ronald?

Ron- _Considers for a moment _No, not really.


	12. Chapter 12

**Act 12- In Which the Time Hole Thingy Gets Sealed, Pizza is Consumed, and Malfoy is Punished. (I do not own Legally Blonde).**

Cho- Aren't there supposed to be more of us?

Neville- Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Malfoy, Collin, Dennis, and Cedric all went off in other directions.

Luna- That isn't very polite of them.

Young Cho- I'm going to go find them! _Runs off_

Young Luna- That was rather stupid.

Bubblewrap- If anyone else tries to run off I'm going to handcuff them to a tree, alright? And this story is now on page 100! Woo-hoo!

Neville- Can we just go back through the time hole?

Cho- Please?

Bubblewrap- Ugh, fine, but don't do anything until I get back with the others, alright?

Neville- Okay! _They go back through the time hole_

Bubblewrap- _Muttering angrily_ Now where could they be?

_Several hours later, Bubblewrap comes back through the time hole with the rest of the cast. Most are unconcious._

Neville- What did you do to them?

Bubblewrap- I didn't do anything! They went and got themselves stuck in a barricade!

Neville- Why did they do that?

Bubblewrap- I don't know! Hang on a second… _She counts heads_ one two three… four five… six seven… eight… nine… ten…

Hermione- Wait, ten? That's too many!

Bubblewrap- Guess what, guys, we accidently brought a 19th century gamin into the present day!

Young Cho- Why did you do that?

Bubblewrap- Why do you automatically blame me?

Ron- Because it's usually your fault.

Malfoy- And we were all unconcious.

Bubblewrap- And covered in blood so I couldn't even tell who was who! Why did you have to go to a barricade of all places anyway?

Ron- Can we get some healing potions or something first?

Bubblewrap- Fine. You can all use this portkey _pulls a portkey from nowhere_ to get to the hospital wing. Bring the kid too, he doesn't look so good.

Malfoy- He looks dead.

Bubblewrap- No, look, he's just unconcious.

Malfoy- Oh.

Bubblewrap- Anyway, Hermione, you seem uninjured, so you stay here.

Hermione- Okay… _The portkey leaves with nine people._

Bubblewrap- What were you thinking?!

Hermione- Oh, now you're going to lecture us on responsibility.

Bubblewrap- Hermione…

Hermione- Fine. We saw the barricade and wanted to help.

Bubblewrap- Sure. What about Malfoy? And Young Cho? Don't tell me they felt like being noble.

Hermione- Well, Young Cho kind of ate a bunch of sugar on the way there—

Bubblewrap- I won't even ask where she got that…

Hermione- Went on a sugar high, and crashed into the outer wall of the barricade, and I don't really know what Malfoy was thinking.

Bubblewrap- Oh! Malfoy is being nice…

Hermione- Probably not, but we can tease him now!

Neville- What are we going to do about the extra kid? Send him back through the time hole?

Bubblewrap- Well, we could, if it hadn't just sealed up.

Neville- How on Earth did we miss that?

_The others return from the hospital wing_

Harry- Hey, if we tell you who the kid is, can you not get too mad at us?

Ron- That was a smart opening line. Now it doesn't matter who it is, she's going to kill us just to prove a point.

Bubblewrap- I am shocked that you guys have such a low opinion of me! Now who is it?

Gavroche- Hi, I'm Gavroche!

Bubblewrap- Cool. Now the next song is… 'At the Barricade'!

Harry- You're not going to kill us?

Bubblewrap- Who else could I kidnap and convince to perform a play? I don't want all the main characters to be ghosts!

Harry- Good!

Ron- Let's throw a party!

Neville- We can have butterbeer!

Ron- And fire whiskey!

Neville- And cupcakes!

Ron- And flaming muffins of death!

Harry- I don't think we should have those.

Bubblewrap- Should I take it that you're all hungry? Again?

Harry- Famished.

Bubblewrap- Well, last time I tried to take you somewhere we got dragged out by security…

Harry- Sorry…

Bubblewrap- So this time I'll order some pizza. It'll be here right about… _doorbell rings_ wow, that was fast!

Young Cho- Opens the door, pays the pizza dude, and grabs the seven boxes.

Bubblewrap- Put them on the table over here. You can just eat when you're hungry.

Ron- I'm hungry!

Bubblewrap- Well, start eating.

Hermione- Are we going to start that song now?

Ron-nowi'mstillhungry!

Hermione- Swallow.

Ron- No! I am still hungry!

Bubblewrap- Eat faster!

_Two minutes later, half a pizza is gone, and several other hungry people are glaring at Ron._

Bubblewrap- Okay… no more pizza for you, then.

Ron- Oh! Why not?!

Harry- I wonder…

Ron- So do I!

Bubblewrap- Okay, all hunger aside, let's just start the song now.

_Enjolras is addressing the revolutionaries_Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Here upon these stones  
We will build our barricade  
In the heart of the city  
We claim as our own! **That seems rather selfish.**  
Each man to his duty  
And don't be afraid.  
Wait! I will need a report  
On the strength of the foe.**Neville (As Javert)- _disguised as a rebel_**  
I can find out the truth  
I know their ways  
Fought their wars  
Served my time  
In the days  
Of my youth. **Who am I spying on?

Bubblewrap- The police.

Neville- I thought I was the police?

Bubblewrap- Well, actually, you're spying on the students for the police by telling the students you're spying on the police.

Neville- That makes my brain hurt.Prouvaire-**  
Now the people will fight**Collin (As Grantaire)-  
**And so they might  
Dogs will bark **At the postman.  
**Fleas will bite. **The dogs.Lesgles-**  
They will do what is right!**_Marius spots Eponine, who is dressed as a boy  
_**  
**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Hey, little boy, what's this I see? **Can't he see she's a girl?**  
God, Eponine, the things you do!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
I know this is no place for me, **Seriously, I'd rather leave.**  
Still, I would rather be with you! **Uh… no.Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Get out before the trouble starts. **Or after. Or during. Just get out.**  
Get out, 'Ponine, you might get shot!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
I've got you worried now, I have  
That shows you like me quite a lot! **That'll give me nightmares.Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
There is a way that you can help  
You are the answer to a prayer! **I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that…**  
Please take this letter to Cosette  
And pray to God that she's still there!**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Little you know!  
Little you care!**_She walks to the Rue Plumet, where she meets Valjean_Cho (As Eponine)-**  
I have a letter M'sieur  
It's addressed to your daughter, Cosette  
It's from a boy at the barricade, Sir,  
In the Rue de Villette.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Give me that letter here, my boy. **Can no one tell that she's a girl?Cho (As Eponine)-**  
He said to give it to Cosette**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
You have my word that my daughter will know  
What this letter contains.**_He gives her a coin_Although there aren't actually any streets._He opens the letter... and reads it_

Tell the young man she will read it tomorrow  
And here's for your pains  
Go careful now, stay out of sight  
There's danger in the streets tonight.

"Dearest Cosette, you have entered my soul

Malfoy- Uggh…  
**  
And soon you will be gone.  
Can it be only a day since we met  
And the world was reborn?  
If I should fall in the battle to come  
Let this be my goodbye...  
Now that I know you love me as well**

Malfoy- _has a seizure_

**It is harder to die...  
I pray that god will bring me home  
To be with you.  
Pray for your Marius. He prays for you!"**_Valjean goes in, leaving Eponine alone_

Malfoy- Please tell me we're done with this…

Bubblewrap- What?

Malfoy- Me being in love with… Luna?

Bubblewrap- Nope.

Malfoy- Dam—

Bubblewrap- Language!

Malfoy- But—

Bubblewrap- No buts!

Malfoy- I don't wanna—

Bubblewrap- Alright! That's it! I've had it up to here _indicates a point in the air at about head level_ with your whining. This calls for drastic measures!

Malfoy- I don't think I like the sound of that.

Bubblewrap- Oh, you don't _grins evilly_

Hermione- Shouldn't we get on to the next song?

Bubblewrap- We're taking a break first, to do another song.

Malfoy- _Panicking_ what song?!

Bubblewrap- _Whispers in his ear_

Malfoy- _Turns green_ What part do I have to play?

Bubblewrap- _More whispering_

Malfoy- But that's a girl part!

Bubblewrap- Exactly! Think of it as practice for when Fred turns you into a girl! So, you're playing Elle, and Hermione, Luna, and Cho can divide up the girl parts between them… the extras can play the people I don't feel like casting… and Harry can play the dog.

Harry- Wait, which song are we doing?!

Bubblewrap- 'Omigod you guys' from Legally Blond- The musical!

Malfoy- I never would have guessed you were a fan…

Bubblewrap- Well, there's one or two songs that aren't too bad… and I just figured it would be a fitting punishment for you.

Malfoy- But—

Bubblewrap- Shut up or I'll make you do the entire musical when we're done with this one.


	13. Chapter 13

**Act 13- In Which Legally Blone-ness Happens, Cho Squeals, and Then is Made Happy.**

Hermione (As Margot)-**  
Dear Elle, **What is this, a letter?**  
He's a lucky guy **Married to Malfoy? Don't think so!**  
I'm, like, gonna cry  
I got tears coming out of my nose **Ew…**  
Mad props!  
He's the campus catch  
You're a perfect match  
Cause you both have such great taste in clothes **Have you seen Malfoy's robes?**  
Of course he will propose**Luna (As Serena)-**  
Dear Elle,  
Honey maseltav **

**future's taking off  
Bring that ring back  
and show it to me**Cho (As Pilar)-**  
Four carats  
A princess cut  
Are you psyched or what?!  
I just wish i could be there to see **I like this musical a lot better.**  
**

Malfoy- You can have it!

All three girls-**  
When he gets down on one knee**All girls-**  
omigod  
omigod, you guys  
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize  
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies  
omigod, you guys  
omigod, this is happening  
Our own homecoming queen and king  
Finally she'll be trying on a huge engagement ring for size  
omigod, you guys  
omigod!**Cho (As Pilar)-**  
Okay,  
Everybody signed, good  
Now fall in line  
And we'll start the engagement parade**Luna (As Serena)-  
**Light candles in single file  
Dont forget to smile  
Lose the gum Kate, you look like a maid** _Spoken: Sorry!  
_**Now prepare to serenade.  
**

All girls-

**omigod  
omigod, you guys  
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize**Spoken-** SH!**Spoken- **SHH!**Luna (As Serena)-**  
**_Spoken_**GUYS, I'M SERIOUS!**

If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifi...

omigod, you...

Sirius Black- No, I'm serious!

All- _Groan_

Sirius- Well, if you can't appreciate a lame cliché, I'm leaving! _Leaves_Frat girl-**  
Elle and Warner were meant to be**Frat girl #2-**  
Not once has he ever hit on me**_Spoken_** SHUT-UP!**Hermione (As Margot)-**  
There just like that couple from Titanic, only no one dies  
omigod**All girls-**  
Two! Three! Four!  
Daughter of Delta-Nu  
Soon to be fiance  
Now that a man chose you  
Your life begins today  
Make him a happy home  
Waste not his hard earned wage  
And so he does not roam  
Strive not to look your age  
Still in your hour of need  
Let it be understood  
No man could supersede,  
Our sacred bond of sisterhood**Luna (As Serena)- _spoken_**  
Guys, she's not here.**

KATE,

omigod  
omigod, you gu-

Bruiser, where is Elle?

Harry (As dog)-

**Bark **I'm playing a dog…**  
**

Luna (As Serena)- _spoken_**  
She's doesnt have an engagement outfit?  
**

Harry (As dog)-

**Bark **A really small dog…**  
**

Luna (As Serena)- _spoken_**  
She's totally freaking out?  
**

Harry (As dog)-

**Bark **A Chihuahua...

Bubblewrap- _To herself_ man, that word is hard to spell!**  
**

Luna (As Serena)- _spoken_**  
She's trapped in the old valley mill?  
**

Harry (As dog)-

**Bark ****Bark** And I'm wearing pink. This part sucks.

Bubblewrap- Don't worry, Malfoy's is worse.**  
**

Luna (As Serena)- _spoken_**  
Oh whoops sorry, the Old Valley Mall?!**All girls-  
**omigod, dress emergency!**

Luna (As Serena)-**  
Don't take the freeway! **What's a freeway?

Bubblewrap- It's a muggle thing where you drive cars.Frat girl-**  
Hey, wait for me!  
**

All girls-  
**No one should be left alone to dress and to accessorize!  
omigod, you guys!  
omigod  
omigod  
omigod  
omigod  
omigod**Malfoy (As Elle)-**  
**_Spoken_** It's almost there but...  
**_Sung_** This dress needs to seal the deal  
Make a grown man kneel **_Shudders_**  
But it can't come right out and say bride **Can it not say bride at all?**  
Cant look like I'm desperate or  
Like I'm waiting for it **'Cause I'm not.**  
I gotta leave Warner his pride  
So bride is more implied **Or, simply absent.**  
omigod  
omigod, you guys  
All this week I've had butterflies  
Every time he looks at me its totally proposal eyes **_Pukes_**  
omigod you guys  
So help me dress for my fairytale **Fairytale…**  
Cant wear something I bought on sale**Luna (As Serena)-**  
Love is , like, forever.  
This is no time to economize  
omigod, you guys**Sale Women-**  
**_Spoken_** Excuse me, have you seen this? It just came in. It's perfect for a blonde.**Malfoy (As Elle)-**  
**_Spoken_**Right! With a half lip stitch on china silk? **A what stitch on which kind of silk?Sale Women-**  
**_Spoken_** Uh-huh.**Malfoy (As Elle)-**  
**_Spoken_** But the thing is, you can't use a half lip stich on china silk. It'll pucker.  
And you didn't just get this in because I saw it in last May's Vogue **I am actually a little afraid that anyone would know that.

Cho- Well, doesn't everyone?Frat girls-**  
**_whisper_**  
omigod  
omigod, you guys**Malfoy (As Elle)-**  
**_Spoken_** I'm not about to buy last years dress at this years price **Why not? Just buy the f—

Bubblewrap- Language!

Malfoy- _Continuing_ thing and get it over with.Frat girls-**  
Elle saw right through that salesgirl's lies**Malfoy (As Elle)-**  
**_Spoken_** It may be perfect for a blonde, but I'm not that blonde!  
**_Sung_** I may be in love but im not stupid**

Harry- I beg to differ. On both counts.

**Lady, I've got eyes**Store owner-  
_Spoken_** omigod, Elle woods  
**_Sung_** Sorry, our mistake  
Courtney, take your break!**

Malfoy- Can I take a break?

**Just ignore her  
She hasn't been well  
Try this!  
Latest from Milan  
Go on, try it on  
I take care of my best clientelle  
Its a gift from me to Elle**Malfoy (As Elle)-**  
omigod  
omigod, you guys  
This one's perfect and its just my size  
See, dreams really do come true, you never have to compromise **Lame…**  
omigod**Frat girls-**  
omigod  
omigod you guys  
Let's go home before someone cries  
If there ever was a perfect couple this one qualifies  
Cause we love you guys!**Malfoy (As Elle)-**  
No, I love you guys! **I'm going to go insane if I have to keep doing this…Frat girls-**  
omigod**Malfoy (As Elle)-**  
omigod**Frat girls-**  
omigod  
You guys!  
omigod!**

Malfoy- WE'RE DONE!

Bubblewrap- Learned your lesson?

Malfoy- Whatever it was, yes!

Bubblewrap- Good. We can continue now. Cho, it's your solo.

Cho- _Squeals_

Bubblewrap- _Wincing_ You're worse than my sister. And her nickname is squealy.

Cho (As Eponine)-

**And now I'm all alone again, **Cedric broke up with me.**  
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to. **Except all the other boys who want to go out with me.

Malfoy- None of whom actually exist.

**Without a home, without a friend,  
Without a face to say hello to. **Hello!**  
And now the night is near,  
Now I can make believe he's here. **Actually, he's right over there _points to Cedric_

Cedric- _Eating pizza_ What?

**Sometimes I walk alone at night  
When everybody else is sleeping. **No, actually I'm sleeping too.**  
I think of him, and then I'm happy  
With the company I'm keeping.  
The city goes to bed, **What city? The only people near Hogwarts are in Hogsmeade, which is a villiage.

Bubblewrap- France.

Cho- But France is nowhere near here!

Bubblewrap- _To Cedric_ Is she really that thick?

Cedric- Probably.

**And I can live inside my head. **What, am I crazy now?**  
On my own,  
Pretending he's beside me.  
All alone,  
I walk with him till morning.  
Without him,  
I feel his arms around me,  
And when I lose my way I close my eyes  
And he has found me. **I MISS YOU SO MUCH, CEDRIC!**  
In the rain,  
The pavement shines like silver. **The color of Slytherin…**  
All the lights  
Are misty in the river.  
In the darkness,  
The trees are full of starlight,  
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever. **_Sniff sniff_ BUT THAT CAN NEVER BE!**  
And I know  
It's only in my mind,  
That I'm talking to myself **BECAUSE I'VE GONE INSANE FROM LOSING HIM!**  
And not to him.  
And although I know that he is blind,  
Still I say,  
There's a way for us. **IF ONLY HE CARED!**  
I love him, **BUT HE DOESN'T LOVE ME!**  
But when the night is over,  
He is gone, **HE'S ALWAYS GONE!**  
The river's just a river.  
Without him,  
The world around me changes.  
The trees are bare and everywhere  
The streets are full of strangers.  
I love him, **SO MUCH!**  
But every day I'm learning,  
All my life,  
I've only been pretending! **HE COULD NEVER LOVE ME!**  
Without me,  
His world will go on turning,  
A world that's full of happiness  
That I have never known!  
I love him...  
I love him...  
I love him... **I LOVE HIM!  
**But only on my own...**

Cedric- I never knew she cared so much.

Cho- _Overhearing_ Well, I do! And if you want me to be smart, I'll be smart! I'll pay attention in class! I'll do my homework! I'll take notes! Just come back!

Cedric- Okay.

Cho- I'll—wait, okay?

Cedric- I missed you. _They kiss_

Bubblewrap- Okay… ew… Let's just end the act now, shall we?


	14. Chapter 14

**Act 14- In Which Seven Songs Happen, Malfoy Does Not Get Turned into a Girl, and Hermione Rambles.**

Malfoy- Now that's done…

Bubblewrap- Right. We can go on to the next song.

_The barricade is now complete._Students-**  
Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade  
**

Malfoy (As Marius)-  
**Let them come in their legions  
And they will be met **What is this, Marius being brave? Not wimpy and in love?**  
**  
Cedric (As Enjolras)-  
**Have faith in yourselves  
And don't be afraid  
**  
Collin (As Grantaire)-  
**Let's give 'em a screwing  
That they'll never forget!  
**  
Combeferre-  
**This is where it begins!  
**  
Courfreyrac-  
**And if I should die in the fight to be free  
Where the fighting is hardest  
There will I be  
**  
Feuilly-  
**Let them come if they dare  
We'll be t****here! **

Malfoy- That was a short song.

Bubblewrap- yea. So is the next one—'Javert's arrival'!Army officer-_Offstage_**  
You at the barricade listen to this  
No one is coming to help you to fight  
You're on your own  
You have no friends  
Give up your guns - or die!**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Damn their warnings, damn their lies **I do not like this profanity.

Bubblewrap- Well, it's over now.

**They will see the people rise!**Students-**  
Damn their warnings, damn their lies **

Cedric- You were saying?

Bubblewrap- I meant you were done with it.

**Th****ey will see the people rise!**_Javert climbs over the barricade_Neville (As Javert)-**  
Listen my friends **I have… friends?!**  
I have done as I said  
I have been to their lines **And circles!**  
I have counted each man  
I will tell what I can.  
Better be warned  
They have armies to spare **They should get a strike! Like, you know, bowling?**  
And the danger is real  
We will need all our cunning  
To bring them to heel.**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Have faith  
If you know what their movements are  
We'll spoil their game **What kind of game?**  
There are ways that a people can fight **Hands, swords, guns, bombs, wands…**  
We shall overcome their power**Neville (As Javert)-**  
I have overheard their plans  
There will be no attack tonight **Oh good, I'm tired

Bubblewrap- It's only noon!

Neville-_Quietly_ I knew that…

**They intend to starve us out **

Ron- The HORROR!

**Before they start a proper fight  
Concentrate their force  
Hit us from the right.**

Dennis- I get to sing now!

Gavroche- No, I get to sing!

Dennis- No!

Gavroche- Yes!

Dennis- Nuh-uh

Gavroche- Yuh-huh!

Dennis- Nuh-uh

Gavroche- Yuh-huh!

Dennis- Nuh-uh

Gavroche- Yuh-huh!

Bubblewrap- Oi! What's the matter?

Dennis- He's taking my song!

Gavroche- It's my song!

Dennis- So?

Gavroche- So I should get to sing it!

Bubblewrap- Gavroche?

Gavroche- Yes?

Bubblewrap- Do you even like singing?

Gavroche- Why?

Bubblewrap- Because if you don't like singing, don't you think you should let Dennis sing?

Gavroche- Why would I do that?

Ron- Are you doing that thing where you answer a question with another question and then another question and then another question?

Bubblewrap- Why would you say that?

Ron- Because maybe this question is the ninth question in a row?

Gavroche- So I can have the song?

Bubblewrap- Did I say that?

Ron- No.

Bubblewrap- Shut up, you. Okay, how's this. Dennis can sing, but Gavroche can be the understudy.

Gavroche- I'm understudy for myself?!

Bubblewrap- No, you're understudiing Dennis.

Gavroche- You know what I meant.

Bubblewrap- Well, yes. But Dennis has already practiced a whole bunch of songs, so…

Gavroche- I get it, fine. But if Dennis were to… I don't know, eat something that makes him suddenly become to sick to do anything except puke, I would get to sing, right?

Bubblewrap- Yep!

Gavroche- _Stares threateningly at Dennis_

Dennis(As Gavroche)-**  
Liar!**

Neville- Hey!

**Good evening, dear inspector **So polite**  
Lovely evening, my dear.  
I know this man, my friends  
His name is Inspector Javert  
So don't believe a word he says  
'Cause none of it's true  
This only goes to show  
What little people can do!**

Gavroche- _muttering angrily_ You don't know the meaning of little people!

**And little people know  
When little people fight  
We may look easy pickings  
But we've got some bite  
So never kick a dog **'cause that's just mean!**  
Because he's just a pup  
We'll fight like twenty armies  
And we won't give up  
So you'd better run for cover  
When the pup grows up!**Collin (As Grantaire)-**  
Bravo, little Gavroche, you're the top of the class! **Mostly because there's no one else in the class.Provauire-**  
So what are we going to do  
With this snake in the grass?**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Tie this man and take him  
To the tavern in there **Some punishment…

Bubblewrap- He's tied up, remember.

**The people will decide your fate  
Inspector Javert!**Courfreyrac-**  
Take the bastard now and shoot him!**

Neville- Eep!Feuilly-**  
Let us watch the devil dance!**Lesgles-**  
You'd have done the same, Inspector,  
If we'd let you have your chance!  
**

Neville- No I wouldn't! Really!

Neville (As Javert)-**  
Shoot me now or shoot me later **Please don't!**  
Every schoolboy to his sport  
Death to each and every traitor  
I renounce your people's court!**Combeferre-**  
Though we may not all survive here  
There are things that never die**Collin (As Grantaire)-**  
What's the difference, die a schoolboy,  
Die a policeman, die a spy? **Well, in one you're a schoolboy, one you're a policeman, one you're a spy…Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Take this man, bring him through  
There is work we have to do!**_Javert is bundled away as the first shots ring out. Eponine enters, wounded_Joly-**  
There's a boy climbing the barricade!**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Good God! What are you doing?  
'Ponine, have you no fear?  
Have you seen my beloved? **Whom I do not love.**  
Why have you come back here?**Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Took the letter like you said  
I met her father at the door  
He said he would give it**_She collapses in his arms_

Malfoy- _looks neaseated_No duh, dummy. I just fell over.Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Eponine, what's wrong? I feel...  
There's something wet upon your hair**_There is blood on his hands_

Don't think I can stand any more.

Eponine, you're hurt  
You need some help!  
Oh God, it's everywhere...

Cho- So, I have to die now?

Bubblewrap- Yep.

Hermione- I won't be the only one anymore! Hoo-ray!

Cho- _miffed_ Well, you don't have to sound so happy about it.

Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius**

Malfoy- I won't.

**I don't feel any pain **Because I'm not really dying.**  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt me now **Could it ever?**  
You're here, that's all I need to know  
And you will keep me safe **As if!**  
And you will keep me close  
And rain will make the flowers grow.**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,  
If I could heal your wounds with words of love. **I would make Cedric do it.Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Just hold me now, and let it be.  
Shelter me, comfort me**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
You would live a hundred years  
If I could show you how  
I won't desert you now... **Has anyone ever noticed how easy it is to mix up 'desert' and 'dessert'?Cho (As Eponine)-**  
The rain can't hurt me now  
This rain will wash away what's past **I'm getting amnesia?**  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close  
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.  
The rain that brings you here  
Is Heaven-blessed! **_Laughs_**  
The skies begin to clear  
And I'm at rest  
A breath away from where you are  
I've come home from so far  
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius  
I don't feel any pain  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt me now  
That's all I need to know  
And you will keep me safe  
And you will keep me close**Malfoy (As Marius)-_in counterpoint_**  
Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine, **Hush-a-bye?!**  
You won't feel any pain **How does he know?**  
A little fall of rain  
Can hardly hurt you now  
I'm here  
I will stay with you  
Till you are sleeping **Don't they mean dead?Cho (As Eponine)-**  
And rain...**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
And rain... **

Bubblewrap- _Bursts out laughing_

Everyone else- _stares_

Bubblewrap- Sorry, it's just… before, you said you hated that line… and now you have to sing it!

Malfoy- It's not that funny…Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Will make the flowers...**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Will make the flowers... grow... **_sniffle sniffle_

Cho- Are you crying?

Malfoy- No! Of course not!

Cho- Aw, I knew there was a person in there somewhere!_She dies. Marius kisses her, then lays her on the ground_Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
She is the first to fall **and die…**  
The first of us to fall upon this barricade**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Her name was Eponine  
Her life was cold and dark, yet she was unafraid.**Combeferre-**  
We fight here in her name**Provaiure-**  
She will not die in vain.**Lesgles-**  
She will not be betrayed.**_They carry her body off_

Bubblewrap- A minute or so of musical interlude… la la la… la la… la… Okay, 'night of anguish'

_Valjean arrives, dressed as a soldier_Joly-**  
Here comes a man in uniform  
What brings you to this place?**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
I come here as a volunteer**Joly-**  
Approach and show your face.**Sentry-**  
You wear an army uniform.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
That's why they let me through. **That, and the script said they had to.Joly-**  
You've got some years behind you sir.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
There's much that I can do. **I've only got fourteen years behind me!Joly-**  
You see that prisoner over there?**Collin (as Grantaire)-**  
A volunteer like you! **Except he kind of stabbed us in the back…Combeferre-**  
A spy who calls himself Javert!**

Neville- Hey! I'm over that now! With the help of my psychiatrist—

Bubblewrap- You have a psychiatrist?

Neville-Ron!

Bubblewrap- Of course.

Neville- Anyway, I have finally realized that I can be Neville Longbottom much better than I can be Javert.Collin (as Grantaire)-**  
He's going to get it too...**Sentry-**  
They're getting ready to attack!**

Malfoy- Well, that was anticlimactic.

Bubblewrap- What do you mean?

Malfoy- Well, they're getting ready to attack, and then the song ends!

Bubblewrap- I guess we'll just have to go straight into the next song, then.

_Enjolras gives Valjean a gun_Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Take this and use it well!**

Harry- I don't know how to use a gun!

**  
But if you shoot us in the back,  
You'll never live to tell. **Nor will we.Student 1-**  
Platoon of sappers advancing toward the barricade!**Student 2-**  
Troops behind them, fifty men or more!**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Fire!**

Neville- Where?!_Gunfire is heard_Feuilly-**  
Sniper!**_Valjean shoots a sniper who is aiming at Enjolras_Lesgles-**  
See how they run away!**Collin (as Grantaire)-**  
By God we've won the day!**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
They will be back again,  
Make an attack again. **If at first you don't suceed…**  
**_To Valjean_**  
For your presence of mind  
For the deed you have done  
I will thank you M'sieur  
When our battle is won.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Give me no thanks M'sieur  
There is something you can do.**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
If it is in my power.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Give me the spy Javert  
Let me take care of him!**Neville (As Javert)-**  
The law is inside out  
The world is upside down**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Do what you have to do,  
The man belongs to you. **Great. I just sold Neville.**  
The enemy may be regrouping. Hold yourself in readiness.  
Come my friends, back to your positions.  
The night is falling fast.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
We meet again. **Hello!Neville (As Javert)-**  
You've hungered for this all your life; **You're going to eat me?!

Bubblewrap- No one is going to eat you, Neville.

**Take your revenge! **Or… don't!**  
How right you should kill with a knife!**_Valjean cuts the ropes which bind Javert_

Harry (As Valjean)-**  
You talk too much, **That's a sentence I thought I would never say to Neville.**  
Your life is safe in my hands.**Neville (As Javert)-**  
Don't understand**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Get out of here.**Neville (As Javert)-**  
Valjean, take care!  
I'm warning you... **Because I'm in such a position of being able to harm him.Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Clear out of here.**Neville (As Javert)-

**Once a thief, forever a thief  
What you want you always steal!  
You would trade your life for mine.  
Yes, Valjean, you want a deal!  
Shoot me now for all I care!  
If you let me go, beware,  
You'll still answer to Javert!**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
You are wrong, and always have been wrong. **Too true. Except in Herbology.**  
I'm a man, no worse than any man.  
You are free, and there are no conditions, **Or conditoner! Or shampoo!**  
No bargains or petitions.  
There's nothing that I blame you for  
You've done your duty, nothing more.  
If I come out of this alive, you'll find me  
At number fifty-five Rue Plumet  
No doubt our paths will cross again.  
**_  
Valjean fires his gun into the air, Javert leaves quickly. Muted applause from the students who think Javert has been shot_Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Courfeyrac, you take the watch  
They won't attack until it's light  
Everybody stay awake  
We must be ready for the fight  
For the final fight  
Let no one sleep tonight!**

Neville- But it's nap time!

Bubblewrap-… and on that note, we will go straight into 'drink with me'

_The defenders settle down for the night with wine and a song_Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Marius, rest. **I thought we were going to 'let no one sleep tonight'?Feuilly-**  
Drink with me to days gone by  
Sing with me the songs we knew**Provaiure-**  
Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads.**Joly-**  
Here's to witty girls who went to out beds.**All-**  
Here's to them  
****And here's to you!**Collin (As Grantaire)-**  
Drink with me to days gone by  
Can it be you fear to die?  
Will the world remember you  
When you fall?  
Could it be your death  
Means nothing at all?  
Is your life just one more lie?**All-**  
Drink with me to days gone by  
To the life that used to be**

Men-  
**Drink with me  
****To days  
****Gone by  
****To the life  
****That used  
****To be.**

Women _Echoing_-  
**Drink with me  
****To days  
****Gone by  
****To the life  
****That used  
****To be.**Women-**  
At the shrine of friendship,  
****Never say die**Men-**  
Let the wine of friendship  
****Never run dry**All-**  
Here's to you  
****And here's  
****To me**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Do I care if I should die **Yep.**  
Now she goes across the sea?  
Life without Cosette  
Means nothing at all. **Yes it does.**  
Would you weep, Cosette,  
Should Marius fall? **Probably not.**  
Will you weep, Cosette,  
For me?**_Marius settles down to sleep_

Bubblewrap- Hey! Only three more songs until Malfoy gets turned into a girl!

Malfoy- Heh heh… I thought you'd forget that…

Bubblewrap- Nope.

Malfoy- Could you? Please?

Bubblewrap- Well, I don't know… you did get truth or dared.

Malfoy- Crap.

Bubblewrap- Hey, Harry, time for another solo!

Harry- What's it about this time?

Bubblewrap- _innocently_ how you love Malfoy like a son and you would rather die than see him die.

Harry and Malfoy- _puke_

Bubblewrap- Isn't that fun?!

_Valjean is standing over Marius at the barricade_Harry (As Valjean)-**  
God on high  
Hear my prayer  
In my need  
You have always been there  
He is young **Actually, I'm a bit younger than he is.**  
He's afraid**

Malfoy- Am not!

**Let him rest  
Heaven blessed.  
Bring him home  
Bring him home  
Bring him home. **Is that a typo?

Bubblewrap- No, you really sing the same line three times.

**He's like the son I might have known **Gag.**  
If God had granted me a son. **And a wife.**  
The summers die  
One by one **Malfoy probably killed them.**  
How soon they fly  
On and on **How can they fly if they're dead?

Malfoy- Maybe they're ghosts.

**And I am old **Am not!**  
And will be gone. **Won't we all?**  
Bring him peace  
Bring him joy  
He is young  
He is only a boy **He's not that young…!**  
You can take  
You can give  
Let him be  
Let him live  
If I die, let me die **And if I live, let me live!**  
Let him live **Let ME live!**  
Bring him home  
Bring him home  
Bring him home. **Same line again…

Bubblewrap- That was actually no where near as bad as I thought it was going to be. _Suddenly notices Harry and Malfoy attempting to strangle each other_ Er… never mind.

_Day breaks_Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
The people have not stirred  
We are abandoned by those who still live in fear. **Traitors**  
The people have not heard. **They are all deaf**  
Yet will will not abandon those who cannot hear.  
Let us not waste lives  
Let all the women and fathers of children  
Go from here.**Feuilly-**  
Drink with me to days gone by  
Sing with me the ****songs**** we knew**All-**  
At the shrine of ****friendship****  
Raise your glass high  
Let the ****wine**** of friendship  
Never run dry  
If I die  
I die with you!**_The battle recommences_

THE SECOND ATTACK (The Death of Gavroche)

Gavroche- This song is mine too!

Dennis- Mine! You're just the understudy!

Gavroche- JUST the understudy?!

Dennis- That's what I said!

Gavroche- Yea, I heard you!

Dennis- Then what's the problem?!

Gavroche- I have no idea!

Dennis- Great! I guess we can just start the song, then…

_The battle recommences_Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
How do we stand, Feuilly? **

**Make your report.**Feuilly-**  
We've guns enough, **

**But ammunition's short**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Let me go into the streets  
There are bodies all around  
Ammunition to be had  
Lots of bullets to be found! **This guy is suicidal!Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
I won't let you go, **

**It's too much of a chance!**

Malfoy- THANK you!Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
The same is true **

**For any man here!**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Let me go. **

**He's no more than a boy.**HE'S OLDER THAN I AM!**  
I am old, **

**I have nothing to fear.**HOW DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE?!Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
You need somebody quicker **

**And I volunteer!  
**

Malfoy- Everybody is suicidal! Suicide party!

Everyone- _looks at him strangely_

_Gavroche climbs the barricade_Lesgles-**  
Come back Gavroche, don't you dare!**Joly-**  
Someone pull him down at once!**Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
Look at me, I'm almost there!**Dennis (As Gavroche)-**  
Little people know, when  
Little people fight, we**_Gunshot- Gavroche is wounded._

Gunshot

May look easy pickings  
But we've got some bite!

_He is hit again  
_**  
So never kick a dog  
Because he's just a pup  
We'll fight like twenty armies  
And we won't give up  
So you'd better run for**** cover  
When the pup grows...**_He dies_

Dennis- Gavroche doesn't look so dead to me.

Gavroche- Sod off, song stealer!

Bubblewrap- Alliteration!

Fred- Time to turn Malfoy into a girl!

Malfoy- Wha—

Fred- _Says a random spell_

Malfoy- _In a high, girly voice_ Oh crap!

Ron- Ha ha! Let's call hi—no, sorry, her—

Harry- Let's just end the spell.

Ron- What? Come on!

Harry- I'm serious. This is really unfun for anyone.

Fred- _says a random spell_

Malfoy- Eh… thanks, Potter.

Harry- No problem.

Bubblewrap- Well, to end the awkward moment, let's start 'the final battle'

**Army Offi****cer **_from beyond the barricade_**-  
You at the barricade listen to this  
The people of Paris sleep in their beds  
You have no chance  
No chance at all  
Why throw your lives away?**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Let us die facing our foes  
Make them bleed while we can **That's rather mean.

Malfoy- They deserve it!

Harry- Yea!

Bubblewrap- Wow… you two are getting way too into this play. Cool!Combeferre-**  
Make 'em pay through the nose**Courfreyrac-**  
Make 'em pay for every man!**Cedric (As Enjolras)-**  
Let others rise  
To take our place  
Until the earth is free!**_Amidst increasingly heavy gunfire, Marius is shot. _

Malfoy- Figures.

_Enjolras is killed at the summit of the barricade. _

Enjolras- Ow!

_All at the barricade are killed, except Marius, who is wounded and unconscious, and Valjean._

Harry- I survive! Woo-hoo!

Ron- _In a creepy voice_ For now!

_Valjean discovers that Marius is still alive and carries him down into the sewers to escape._

Harry and Malfoy- Ew.

_Javert climbs over the barricade looking for Valjean's body. Not finding it, he realizes that Valjean must be in the sewers, so he goes off to where he must emerge._

Neville- Pretty smart.

Bubblewrap- Now, we can skip the sewers, 'cause there's no words, and go straight into 'dog eats dog'

Ron- My song! My solo!

Bubblewrap- Mostly. With some Valjean and Javert at the end.

Ron- My song! My solo!

_Thénardier is picking through the corpses in the sewers_Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Here's a hint of gold  
Stuck into a tooth  
Pardon me M'sieur  
You won't be needing it no more. **I don't really need it either**  
Shouldn't be too hard to sell. **Who would buy a stupid tooth?**  
Add it to the pile  
Add it to the stock  
Here among the sewer rats  
A breath away from Hell **I don't like this place much.**  
You get accustomed to the smell. **_Sniffing_ Oops, that was me…**  
Well someone's got to clean 'em up, my friends  
Bodies on the highway **The sewer is hardly the highway**  
Law and order upside down  
Someone's got to collect their odds and ends  
As a service to the town!**_Valjean arrives, carrying Marius. Valjean collapses__Thénardier robs marius_I thought he was going to sell it, not eat it!**  
Pretty little thing  
Wouldn't want to waste it  
That would really be a crime  
Thank you sir, I'm in your debt  
Here's another toy **He's stealing toys now?**  
Take it off the boy  
His heart's no longer going  
And he's lived his little time  
But his watch is ticking yet!  
Well, someone's got to clean them up, my friends  
Before the little harvest  
Disappears into the mud  
Someone's got to collect their odds and ends  
When the gutters run with blood. **This guy is nutters.**  
It's a world where the dog eats the dog  
Where they kill for bones in the street **They'd fit right in with him, then!

Here's a tasty ring

Bubblewrap- That's kind of the point, Ron. It's called a metaphor.

Ron- A meta-whosy?

**And God in His Heaven  
He don't interfere  
'Cause he's dead as the stiffs at my feet  
I raise my eyes to see the heavens  
And only the moon looks down  
The harvest moon shines down!**_He turns over Valjean's body, recognizes him, and leaves. Eventually, Valjean picks up Marius again and walks through the sewers. As they emerge, they meet Javert_Harry (As Valjean)-**  
It's you, Javert!**

Neville- _From offstage_ It is?

Bubblewrap- Yes, dunderhead, now get up there!

Neville- Right, sorry!

**I knew you wouldn't wait too long  
The faithful servant at his post once more!  
This man's done no wrong,  
And he needs a doctor's care.**Neville (As Javert)-**  
I warned you I would not give in  
I won't be swayed**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Another hour yet **One hour more!**  
And then I'm yours **I thought I owned Neville?

Neville- No!**  
And all our debts are paid. **Did I owe you money?Neville (As Javert)-**  
The man of mercy comes again  
And talks of justice**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Come, time is running short  
Look down, Javert  
He's standing in his grave  
Give way, Javert  
There is a life to save.**Neville (As Javert)-_overlapping_**  
Take him Valjean,  
Before I change my mind  
I will be waiting  
24601.**_Valjean carries Marius off_

Harry- Valjean and Javert are being unusually nice to each other. Of course, if it was anyone else, I would say they were being mean…

Bubblewrap- Kind of like you and Malfoy!

Harry- Shut up, you.

Hermione- Let's do something. We've done lots of songs already—let's have a break!

Bubblewrap- What d'you want to to?

Hermione- Let's recruit for S.P.E.W.!

Bubblewrap- Spew?

Hermione- Grr…

Bubblewrap- I mean, come on, when you have the initials S.P.E.W., no one's going to take you seriously.

Malfoy- you should change it.

Hermione- What to?

Malfoy- Er… Freedom for Unattractive Creatures—

Bubblewrap- Don't you dare finish that sentence.

Hermione- How dade you mock S.P.E.W.?! This is a very serious organization…

_Many, many, minutes later._

Hermione- So just don't say that again, Malfoy!

Malfoy- _Not mentioning the fact that he spent the entire time she was rambling thinking about other rude acronyms_ I never will!


	15. Chapter 15

**Act 15- In Which Movies are Critisized, Malfoy Gets a Solo, and Rehearsel Ends.**

Bubblewrap- Now we go to the saddest song of all—Javert's suicide.

Hermione- Why is that so completely sad? There are other people who die.

Bubblewrap- But Javert is the coolest! And he died for no good reason!

Hermione- But—

Bubblewrap- Shut up or I'll write that a giant anvil falls on your head

Hermione- _Looks up to see a giant anvil hanging from a slightly frayed rope_ Er… it is a very sad song, you're right.

Neville- Oh great, another solo.

_Javert walks the deserted streets until he comes to a bridge over the river Seine_Neville (As Javert)-**  
Who is this man? **Harry Potter**  
What sort of devil is he  
To have me caught in a trap  
And choose to let me go free?  
It was his hour at last  
To put a seal on my fate  
Wipe out the past **Like amnesia?**  
And wash me clean off the slate!  
All it would take  
Was a flick of his knife.  
Vengeance was his  
And he gave me back my life! **How nice of him!**  
Damned if I'll live in the debt of a thief!  
Damned if I'll yield at the end of the chase. **Such shocking profanity!**  
I am the Law and the Law is not mocked**

Malfoy- I mock him all the time.

**I'll spit his pity right back in his face**

Harry- _Edges away_ Ew…

**There is nothing on earth that we share  
It is either Valjean or Javert!  
How can I now allow this man  
To hold dominion over me?  
This desperate man whom I have hunted **Like a deer!**  
He gave me my life. He gave me freedom.  
I should have perished by his hand  
It was his right. **He sure likes death. Is he suicidal? _Remembers title of the song_ Oh, right…**  
It was my right to die as well  
Instead I live... but live in hell.  
And my thoughts fly apart **Like birdies!**  
Can this man be believed?  
Shall his sins be forgiven?  
Shall his crimes be reprieved?  
And must I now begin to doubt,  
Who never doubted all these years?  
My heart is stone and still it trembles**

Bubblewrap- Even though it clearly says in the book that his heart is made of wood.

**The world I have known is lost in shadow.  
Is he from heaven or from hell? **Probably he's from his mother.**  
And does he know  
That granting me my life today  
This man has killed me even so? **I thought nobody but Javert killed Javert?

Bubblewrap- Stop quoting Thénardier!

Neville- What?

Bubblewrap- _sighs _never mind.

**I am reaching, but I fall  
And the stars are black and cold  
As I stare into the void  
Of a world that cannot hold  
I'll escape now from the world  
From the world of Jean Valjean.  
There is nowhere I can turn  
There is no way to go on...**_He throws himself into the swollen river_

Neville- Hey, you know what I just realized?

Harry- What?

Neville- The music for that song is the same is 'What have I done?'

Bubblewrap- Duh. It's supposed to be like 'Look at me, I'm Valjean, I can take a bad thing and turn it into a good thing!' and then 'Look at me, I'm Javert, I can't take the tiniest challenging of my life-long beleifs so I'm just going to throw myself into a river because I'm not as cool as Valjean!'

Harry- I'm cooler!

Bubblewrap- Even though it's totoally untrue!

Harry- Oh!

Bubblewrap- And the play is over.

Malfoy- What? But… there are so many unresolved plot lines!

Luna- Do I get married to Malfoy?

Harry- Do I live happily ever after?

Malfoy- Do I survive?

Ron- Do I get to rob more people?

Ginny- Do I get a divorce?

Cedric- Do I—Oh wait, never mind. My character is dead.

Harry- It can't just end there!

Bubblewrap- Exactly! And that's one of the reasons the 1998 movie is so awful!

Malfoy- What?

Bubblewrap- Well, they just ended it right after Javert jumps in a river! So mean! Anyway, continuing with the play…

Malfoy- So there's more?

Bubblewrap- Much more. Well… actually we only have seven songs left.

Malfoy- Cool. What's the next one.

Bubblewrap- Turning. Which is pretty dull because there's no main characters there.

Woman 1-**  
Did you see them  
Going off to fight?**Woman 2-**  
Children of the barricade  
Who didn't last the night?**

Cedric- We're hardly children…Woman 3-**  
Did you see them  
Lying where they died?  
Someone used to cradle them  
And kiss them when they cried.**Woman 4-**  
Did you see them lying side by side?**Woman 5-**  
Who will wake them?**Woman 6-**  
No one ever will.**Woman 2-**  
No one ever told them  
That a summer day can kill.**Woman 7-**  
They were schoolboys  
Never held a gun...  
Fighting for a new world  
That would rise up like the sun.**Woman 3-**  
Where's that new world now the fighting's done?**Woman 4-**  
Nothing changes.**Woman 7-**  
Nothing ever will.**Woman 8-**  
Every year another brat, another mouth to fill.**Woman 7-**  
Same old story. What's the use of tears?**Woman 5-**  
What's the use of praying if there's nobody who hears?**All-**  
Turning, turning, turning, turning, turning  
Through the years.**

Turning, turning, turning through the years  
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.  
Nothing changes. Nothing ever can  
Round about the roundabout and back where you began.  
Round and round and back where you began!

Bubblewrap- And Malfoy's solo!

Malfoy- I ave to do a solo?

Bubblewrap- Yes.

Malfoy- Oh!

_Marius, recovering from his wounds, imagines he is back at the ABC cafe_Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
There's a grief that can't be spoken.  
There's a pain goes on and on. **You can take potions for that.**  
Empty chairs at empty tables **Everyone left so they wouldn't have to talk to Marius.**  
Now my friends are dead and gone.  
Here they talked of revolution. **Seems like they talked about revolution everywhere**  
Here it was they lit the flame. **Arsonists too?**  
Here they sang about tomorrow'  
And tomorrow never came. **Well, it did, it's just they were dead.**  
From the table in the corner  
They could see a world reborn  
And they rose with voices ringing  
I can hear them now! **Hallucinating…**  
The very words that they had sung  
Became their last communion  
On the lonely barricade at dawn.  
Oh my friends, my friends forgive me**_The ghosts of those who died on the barricade appear_IN YOUR FACE, SUCKERS!**  
There's a grief that can't be spoken.  
There's a pain goes on and on.  
Phantom faces at the window.  
Phantom shadows on the floor.  
Empty chairs at empty tables  
Where my friends will meet no more.**_The ghosts fade away_

That I live and you are gone.

Neville- Bye, ghosts!'cause you're dead.**  
What your sacrifice was for  
Empty chairs at empty tables  
Where my friends will sing no more.**

Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me

Bubblewrap- See, that wasn't so bad.

Malfoy- Guess not. _Suspicious_ I don't have any more solos, do I?

Bubblewrap- Nope.

Malfoy- Oh good.

Bubblewrap- But you are in every single song after this!

Malfoy- Oh no.

Bubblewrap- 'Every Day'!

_Time has passed. Suggest Marius convalescing, encouraged by Cosette who takes his arm as he walks with firmer step_Luna (As Cosette)-**  
Every day  
You walk with stronger step  
You walk with longer step-  
The worst is over.'**Why is that in quotes?

Bubblewrap- Because the internet told me it was.Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Every day  
I wonder every day  
Who was it brought me here  
From the barricade?**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
Don't think about it, Marius!**

Ron- That shouldn't be too hard—the not thinking, I mean.**  
**

**With all the years ahead of us!  
I will never go away  
And we will be together  
Every day.**

Malfoy- Er…

**Every day,  
We'll remember that night  
And the vow that we made: **What vow?**  
A heart full of love  
A night full of you  
The words are old **No kidding.**  
But always true.**

Malfoy- Let's hope not!

**Oh, God, for shame  
You did not even know my name!**

Malfoy- Luna.Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Dear Mad'moiselle  
I was lost in your spell.  
**

Harry- Did she use a love potion or a charm?

_Valjean enters, unnoticed_Luna (As Cosette)-**  
A heart full of love  
No fear no regret  
My name is Marius Pontmercy' **No, it's notMalfoy (As Marius)-**  
Cosette, Cosette!**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
I saw you waiting and I knew.**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Waiting for you  
At your feet**

Luna- Kneel at my feet!Luna (As Cosette)-**  
At your call**and Luna (As Cosette)-**  
And it wasn't a dream  
Not a dream after all**Harry (As Valjean)-_interjecting, to himself_**  
She was never mine to keep.  
She is youthful, she is free.  
Love is the garden of the young **Uh…**  
Let it be... let it be...  
A heart full of love  
This I give you on this day. **How do you give someone a heart? Where do you get it from?

Bubblewrap- Best buy.

Hermione- They have a lot of stuff there.

Bubblewrap- I know. And lots of blue and yellow._They notice Valjean_Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
M'sieur, this is a day  
I can never forget.  
Is gratitude enough **Too much.**  
For giving me Cosette?  
Your home shall be with us  
And not a day shall pass **Before she kills us all in our sleep!**  
But we will prove our love  
To you, whom we shall call  
A father to us both  
A father to us all. **There's only two of us… where did the 'all' come from?_Cosette leaves_

Cho- Let's do something else.

Bubblewrap- Like what?

Cho- I don't know… shopping?

Bubblewrap- No!

Cho- Why not?

Bubblewrap- Shopping is a waste of time. Unless you're shopping for books. Or candy.

Young Cho- Candy!

Bubblewrap- Oops, forgot you were still there…

Young Cho- _Starts bouncing off the walls. And ceiling. And floor._

Hermione- Well that… does not seem physically possible.

Ginny- I think someone put a bounce charm on her.

Hermione- Oh, hi Ginny! Haven't seen you in a while!

Ginny- Yeah. I went shopping.

Cho- And you didn't invite me?!

Malfoy- Can we focus, people? There's still a nine year old bouncing off of things!

Ginny- Just leave her. She'll fall off something eventually.

Bubblewrap- Er… Hermione, if she falls, conjure a matress or something. The rest of us will continue on!

Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Not another word my son, **_Twitch_**  
There's something now that must be done  
You've spoken from the heart **That's new.**  
And I must do the same  
There is a story, sir  
Of slavery and shame  
That you alone must know.  
I never told Cosette  
She had enough of tears  
She's never known the truth **I am a lier!**  
Of the story you must hear  
Of years ago. **More like yesterday…**  
There lived a man named Jean Valjean  
He stole some bread to save his sister's son  
For nineteen winters served his time **How do you serve time?

Malfoy- You put it on a plate and give it to someone for dinner.

**  
In sweat he washed away his crime **Doesn't sound too sanitary.**  
Years ago  
He broke parole and lived a life apart  
How could he tell Cosette and break her heart? **He could open his mouth and let words come out.**  
It's for Cosette that this must be faced  
If he is caught she is disgraced  
The time is come to journey on  
And from this day he must be gone **What's up with the third person?**  
Who am I?  
Who am I? **Come on, Malfoy! You can do this! Figure it out!Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
You're Jean Valjean! **No duh…**  
What can I do **

Ron- Not much!

Malfoy- Shut up, weasel.

**That will turn you from this?  
Monsieur, you cannot leave  
Whatever I tell my beloved Cosette  
She will never believe!**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Make her believe **

Malfoy- Didn't you hear the part where I said whatever I say, she will never believe?

**I have gone on a journey **to the kitchens! They have firewhiskey.**  
A long way away  
Tell her my heart was too full for farewells **It needs to go on a diet.**  
It is better this way  
Promise me, M'sieur, Cosette will never know.**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
I give my word. **Now can I have it back?Harry (As Valjean)-**  
... what I have spoken, why I must go. **You interrupted me!Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
For the sake of Cosette, it must be so.**

Bubblewrap- Hey guess what?!

Malfoy- What?

Bubblewrap- It's time for you to get married to the love of your life!

Malfoy- _Wincing_ Never. Say. That. Again.

Bubblewrap- _Grins_ Okay!

_Marius and Cosette lead a wedding procession_Chorus-**  
Ring out the bells  
Upon this day of days!  
May all the angels  
Of the Lord above  
In jubilation  
Sing their songs of praise!  
And crown this  
Blessed time with  
Peace and love.**_The procession becomes a dancing celebration. A waltz is played  
_**  
**Major Domo-**  
The Baron and Baroness de Thénard wish to pay their respects to the groom!**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
I forget where we met  
Was it not at the Chateau Lafarge  
Where the Duke did that puke  
Down the Duchess's de-coll-etage?**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
No, Baron de Thénard' **I thought you were Thénardier!**  
The circles I move in are humbler by far. **And mostly dead.**  
Go away, Thénardier! **Oh, it is Thénardier!**  
Do you think I don't know who you are? **'Cause I knew, all the time!Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
He's not fooled. Told you so. **'Cause I'm always right and you're always wrong!**  
Show M'sieur what you've come here to show.  
Tell the boy what you know! **Shouldn't take too long._Applause from the dancers as the waltz finishes_Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
When I look at you, I remember Eponine. **Oh yea! Funny-faced kid.

Cho- Hey!

**She was more than you deserved, who gave her birth**

Ginny- Ew…

**But now she is with God and happier, I hope,  
Than here on earth!  
**_  
The waltz starts up again._Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
So it goes, heaven knows  
Life has dealt me some terrible blows.**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
You've got cash and a heart  
You could give us a bit of a start!  
We can prove, plain as ink  
Your bride's father is not what you think. **Technically, Luna's dad is insane…Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
There's a tale I could tell **Storytime!Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Information we're willing to sell...**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
There's a man that he slew **Harry! How dare you!

Harry- Lies, all lies!

**I saw the corpse clear as I'm seeing you!  
What I tell you is true!**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier)-**  
Pity to disturb you at a feast like this  
But five hundred francs surely wouldn't come amiss.**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
In God's name say what you have to say.**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
But first you pay!**

_Crazy chuckling occours_

**What I saw, clear as light,  
Jean Valjean in the sewers that night. **Of course, it was dark so there wasn't any light…**  
Had this corpse on his back  
Hanging there like a bloody great sack.  
I was there, never fear. **Good, 'cause I was afraid.**  
Even found me this fine souvenir. **Postcard? Snowglobe?_Thénardier shows Marius a ring  
_**  
**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
I know this! This was mine!  
This is surely some heavenly sign!**Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
One thing more, mark this well  
It was the night the barricades fell. **They fell over? Poor construction…Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
Then it's true. Then I'm right.  
Jean Valjean was my savior that night!**_Marius punches Thénardier and then throws money at him_

Bubblewrap- Hold it!

Malfoy- What?

Bubblewrap- You're not allowed to punch Ron. It's totoally out of character.

Malfoy- I punch him all the time! Well, I have Crabbe and Goyle punch him…

Bubblewrap- I meant it's out of character for Marius. Now move on._Marius and Cosette leave_

As for you, take this too!  
God forgive the things that we do.  
Come my love, come Cosette,  
This day's blessings are not over yet!

Ron- I'm in the next song! Let's go to the next song!

Bubblewrap- Fine. You just want to get this over with.

Ron- Oh yeah!

Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
Ain't it a laugh  
Ain't it a treat?  
Hob-nobbin' here  
Among the elite?  
Here comes a prince **'circles I move in are humbler by far' my foot!**  
There goes a Jew.  
This one's a queer  
But what can you do?  
Paris at my feet  
Paris in the dust  
And here's me breaking bread **And drinking… more pumpkin juice?!**  
With the upper crust!  
Beggar at the feast!  
Master of the dance!  
Life is easy pickings  
If you grab your chance.  
Everywhere you go  
Law-abiding folk  
Doing what is decent  
But they're mostly broke! **Well… we're broke too, so…**  
Singing to the Lord on Sundays  
Praying for the gifts He'll send.**Ginny (As Madame Thénardier) and Ron (As Thénardier)-**  
But we're the ones who take it  
We're the ones who make it in the end!  
Watch the buggers dance  
Watch 'em till they drop  
Keep your wits about you  
And you stand on top!  
Masters of the land  
Always get our share  
Clear away the barricades  
And we're still there!  
We know where the wind is blowing  
Money is the stuff we smell.  
And when we're rich as Croesus  
Jesus! Won't we see you all in hell!**_Valjean is alone in the shadows, with a bare wooden cross for company_Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Alone I wait in the shadows  
I count the hours till I can sleep **one hour, two hours… it's like counting sheep!**  
I dreamed a dream Cosette stood by  
It made her weep to know I die.  
Alone at the end of the day  
Upon this wedding night I pray  
Take these children, my Lord, to thy embrace  
And show them grace. **'Cause they're both kind of clutzy.**  
God on high  
Hear my prayer  
Take me now  
To thy care  
Where You are  
Let me be  
Take me now  
Take me there  
Bring me home  
Bring me home. **More repeatedy-ness._Fantine's spirit appears to Valjean_Hermione (As Fantine)-**  
M'sieur, I bless your name  
M'sieur, lay down your burden  
You raised my child in love  
And you will be with god.**Harry (As Valjean)-_interjecting_**  
I am ready, Fantine  
At the end of my days  
She's the best of my life.**_Marius and Cosette rush into the room; they do not see Fantine_Luna (As Cosette)-**  
Papa, Papa, I do not understand!  
Are you alright? They said you'd gone away. **Who said?

Bubblewrap- Marius. Malfoy acting as Marius. Whatever.Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Cosette, my child, am I forgiven now?  
Thank God, thank God, I've lived to see this day.**Malfoy (As Marius)-**  
It's you who must forgive a thoughtless fool  
It's you who must forgive a thankless man  
It's thanks to you that I am living  
And again I lay down my life at your feet. **No, just kidding!**  
Cosette, your father is a saint. **A saint he 'aint!**  
When they wounded me  
He took me from the barricade  
Carried like a babe **Which I'm not.**  
And brought me home to you!**Harry (As Valjean)-_to Cosette_**  
Now you are here  
Again beside me  
Now I can die in peace **Or still live…**  
For now my life is blessed...**Luna (As Cosette)-**  
You will live, Papa, you're going to live  
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye! **Hello, then!Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Yes, Cosette, forbid me now to die  
I'll obey,  
I will try.  
On this page  
I write my last confession.  
Read it well  
When I at last am sleeping.  
It's the story **I thought it was a confession?**  
Of those who always loved you.  
Your mother gave her life for you  
Then gave you to my keeping.**_Eponine's spirit appears_

Hermione (As Fantine)-**  
Come with me  
Where chains will never bind you  
All your grief  
At last, at last behind you.  
Lord in Heaven,  
Look down on him in mercy.**Harry (As Valjean)-**  
Forgive me all my trespasses  
And take me to your glory.**Hermione (As Fantine) and Cho (As Eponine)-**  
Take my hand  
And lead me to salvation.  
Take my love,  
For love is everlasting.**Harry (As Valjean)**, **Hermione (As Fantine) and Cho (As Eponine)-  
**And remember  
The truth that once was spoken  
To love another person  
Is to see the face of God!**

_The other spirits appear_

Bubblewrap- Sob! That part always makes me sad…

Harry- Am I dead now?

Bubblewrap- Well… it doesn't say you are, but in the book you died right about there… they probably just wanted to end the muscial on a non-death and happy note.

Harry- That cliché was a happy note?

Bubblewrap- There's still one song left. It's really cool, 'Cause it starts out really soft and just gets louder and louder until it's… eh… really loud… yea…

Harry- Let's do it, then!

Chorus (plus all characters)-**  
Do you hear the people sing  
Lost in the valley of the night?  
It is the music of a people  
Who are climbing to the light.  
For the wretched of the earth  
There is a flame that never dies.  
Even the darkest night will end  
And the sun will rise.  
They will live again in freedom  
In the garden of the Lord.  
They will walk behind the plough-share,  
They will put away the sword.  
The chain will be broken  
And all men will have their reward.  
Will you join in our crusade?  
Who will be strong and stand with me?  
Somewhere beyond the barricade  
Is there a world you long to see?  
Do you hear the people sing?  
Say, do you hear the distant drums?  
It is the future that they bring  
When tomorrow comes!  
Will you join in our crusade?  
Who will be strong and stand with me?  
Somewhere beyond the barricade  
Is there a world you long to see?  
Do you hear the people sing?  
Say, do you hear the distant drums?  
It is the future that they bring  
When tomorrow comes...  
Tomorrow comes!**

Harry- Woo-hoo! That was awesome!

Malfoy- Let's do it again!

Bubblewrap- Well, we don't really have time…

Malfoy- What do you mean?

Bubblewrap- Well, you have to go perform now.

Ginny- Now?!

Hermione- But we've only practiced once!

Bubblewrap- Is it my fault you decided to talk through the whole thing? I expected that we'd have a lot more time to go through all this!

Malfoy- When does it start?

Bubblewrap- Eh… half an hour or so? Give or take about thirty minutes.

Malfoy- So… right now.

Bubblewrap-… yea…


	16. Chapter 16

**Act 16- In Which The Play is Performed, The Winner of the 1000 Galleons is Announced, and the End Arrives.**

_After the play has been performed_

Bubblewrap- And now is the part where I get to announce who won the 1000 galleons for performing the best! _Opens one of those envolope things like they have at the academy awards_ Wha—Well, I guess the winner is Albus Dumbledore?

Hermione- But he wasn't in it!

Ron- He didn't have to do anything!

Harry- He didn't get turned into a girl!

Ginny- He wasn't married to his own brother!

Dennis- He didn't have to fight with a 200 year old kid for a part!

Cho- He didn't have to win back a boyfriend!

Malfoy- He didn't have to sing dopey Marius!

Neville- He didn't have to suffer through an identity crisis!

Bubblewrap- _tossing envolope away_ This thing is rigged. Whose up for a cast party in the room of requirement?

Everyone- Me!

Harry- _As they walk away_ You know, that wasn't half bad. Maybe we should do it again some time…

**End.**

_**A/N: Well, that's it! 35000 words, 150 pages, and exactly two weeks of work. Editing should begin shortly.**_


End file.
